[There are a million things they probably ought to be saying, and Hijikata doesn't know where to start saying any of them.
In some ways, it's easier, when Souji's sniping at him and being a petty little shit and driving him up the wall. It's easy to snap back and be angry; it's easy to express frustration, because frustration is easily identified and easily defined and so many of the other emotions Souji evokes in him are anything but.
And maybe that's why they never get anywhere, because they don't know how to really, honestly communicate, because speaking isn't communication and they're both too used to saying words for the sake of arguing and not for the sake of understanding.
He'd like to understand. He doesn't always realize it, but in moments like this, the fact that he doesn't know what to say -
It just feels like another way he's failed Souji. Failed him by letting him follow in their footsteps in Kyoto instead of having the better life he ought to have had, failed him by not being able to instill the right sense of understanding in him about the weight of the lives he's taken in the Shinsengumi's name, failed him by leaving him so ill-equipped for these conversations because he's never had one with him, because he doesn't know how and he couldn't for hell's sake just learn.
He doesn't say anything, yet. He doesn't know what to say.
And the silence, even if it's uncomfortably weighted with the reminder of Hijikata's inadequacy as Souji's family, is still rare enough to be treasured, because it's a silence that isn't filled with petty snipes and barbs and angry retorts.]
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In some ways, it's easier, when Souji's sniping at him and being a petty little shit and driving him up the wall. It's easy to snap back and be angry; it's easy to express frustration, because frustration is easily identified and easily defined and so many of the other emotions Souji evokes in him are anything but.
And maybe that's why they never get anywhere, because they don't know how to really, honestly communicate, because speaking isn't communication and they're both too used to saying words for the sake of arguing and not for the sake of understanding.
He'd like to understand. He doesn't always realize it, but in moments like this, the fact that he doesn't know what to say -
It just feels like another way he's failed Souji. Failed him by letting him follow in their footsteps in Kyoto instead of having the better life he ought to have had, failed him by not being able to instill the right sense of understanding in him about the weight of the lives he's taken in the Shinsengumi's name, failed him by leaving him so ill-equipped for these conversations because he's never had one with him, because he doesn't know how and he couldn't for hell's sake just learn.
He doesn't say anything, yet. He doesn't know what to say.
And the silence, even if it's uncomfortably weighted with the reminder of Hijikata's inadequacy as Souji's family, is still rare enough to be treasured, because it's a silence that isn't filled with petty snipes and barbs and angry retorts.]