synopsychic | closed to (his) souji.

[There are a million things they probably ought to be saying, and Hijikata doesn't know where to start saying any of them.

In some ways, it's easier, when Souji's sniping at him and being a petty little shit and driving him up the wall. It's easy to snap back and be angry; it's easy to express frustration, because frustration is easily identified and easily defined and so many of the other emotions Souji evokes in him are anything but.

And maybe that's why they never get anywhere, because they don't know how to really, honestly communicate, because speaking isn't communication and they're both too used to saying words for the sake of arguing and not for the sake of understanding.

He'd like to understand. He doesn't always realize it, but in moments like this, the fact that he doesn't know what to say -

It just feels like another way he's failed Souji. Failed him by letting him follow in their footsteps in Kyoto instead of having the better life he ought to have had, failed him by not being able to instill the right sense of understanding in him about the weight of the lives he's taken in the Shinsengumi's name, failed him by leaving him so ill-equipped for these conversations because he's never had one with him, because he doesn't know how and he couldn't for hell's sake just learn.

He doesn't say anything, yet. He doesn't know what to say.

And the silence, even if it's uncomfortably weighted with the reminder of Hijikata's inadequacy as Souji's family, is still rare enough to be treasured, because it's a silence that isn't filled with petty snipes and barbs and angry retorts.]

Oh my, did Hijikata-san really have success in retrieving him, already?

[ why else would the other be here and not be angrily lecturing him by now?

Souji finally sighs heavily, forcing a line of words to come out. he isn't sure why the other's here because despite the allusion of being worried given by the back and forth conversation telepathically prior to his actual arrival, it wasn't as if Souji expected him to feel any more capable of handling that in person than at a distance. So, he can only assume that there must be another reason for this in-person meeting than that and the silence, while worth something to be in Hijikata's presence for not trying to get him to scream in order for his undivided attention to be had like it is here, therefore is superficial and all the more necessary to break if he can't stop himself from feeling otherwise.

Souji's used to wanting what he can't have—there's no sense making it cut deeper by letting himself pretend things can be something that they are not, even when only to himself.

of course, Souji means Yamazaki and being retrieved from the dungeons. Souji feels a little guilty for not going considering he was the only who sent the other there, but the fact he's never been a great person is easily reinforced the awareness that while he's guilty, he's not nearly guilty enough.

which means he must be guilty for all the wrong reasons to begin with.

so, more than ever, Souji feels a bitter taste in his mouth that Hijikata is here. he must feel obligated. he must feel guilty. he must feel sorry.

Souji doesn't want his guilt or his obligations to kondou—and he more than anything, doesn't want his stupid pity. ]

Yes.

[Short, blunt, to the point, because what else is there to say?

Lots, probably, but he doesn't have a goddamned clue.

And every time he thinks of something to say, something to ask - it all sounds so goddamned stupid before it even comes out of his mouth, because what he really wants to say is sorry for leaving you but he doesn't know how to apologize to Souji, especially not for something that ultimately wasn't his fault.

Apologizing is losing ground, losing face, and he's so used to having to fight Souji to keep every bit of it that trying to spit the words out now just - it doesn't happen.]

Shouldn't you be with Chizuru-chan now, then?

[ it's funny, an apology from one of them to the other might start a chain reaction of breaking down walls, but neither of them are willing to let their guard down enough to risk it.

Souji's terrified that if caves first, it renders every piece of his life spend trying to catch up to Hijikata useless. and with every failure of doing that, every thing he's lost to the other man, it seems ever worse to let it go as if it all didn't matter. all the suffering, all the hardship he's put Hijikata through ( and Kondou, too, when they just couldn't get along... ). ]

Look; you don't need to make sure I don't kill someone else, okay? I'll go back later and not cause a problem. It's just so noisy back there.

~~[ except you totally need to make sure because there is shitstorm about to rage between kaoru and souji in another thread after this ]~~

[~~OH MY GOD SOUJI WOULD YOU TAKE A FUCKING CHILL PILL~~

His mouth is halfway open to saying that for fuck's sake, Souji, just because he's checking on him doesn't mean he's here to make sure he's not killing somebody, but then it snaps shut before the words make it out, because it may not be his entire objective here, but it's still true that the possibility existed and he had to be sure it wasn't happening.

He didn't think it would be the case this time, and he's very glad to have been right about that much, but -]

She'd tell me to make sure you lot were okay first and you know it.

[Chizuru never tells him to put her first. It's just how she is.]

[ ~~HE CAN'T YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION~~ ]

I don't know about the others, but you didn't need to come out here to see I was okay, Hijikata-san, and you know it.

[ so, yep, definitely out here to make sure he wasn't physically using some unfortunate person's body as a repeated pincushion for his blade must about sum that up. ]

I don't know, I think you've given me enough reasons to want to see it for myself.

[Mister I'M FINE AND I DON'T NEED TO LIE DOWN JUST COUGHING UP BLOOD what do you even expect anymore.]

[ wow he hasn't had a blood puking fit in a while and you know that, too—

—unless a certain child went and spilled her guts to you. ]

Are you so sure about that?

Why shouldn't I be?

Because you're old and senile.

And in seven years, you'll be, too.

I don't want to even think what Hijikata-san will have leveled up to by that point.

Someone with patience for your bullshit.

Oh? Pretty sure the older the dog is, the less chance he has of learning useful new abilities.

Maybe I'll go deaf so I don't have to listen to your bitching.

I'll make sure to write it everywhere so you don't miss a beat of it.

There's not enough paper in the world for that and we both know it.

What luck Hijikata-san is in that I am willing to sacrifice the sacred writings of our time that have stolen the rest of the paper that could be used to keep you well informed.

[ starting maybe with your haiku book. ]

Of course you are. It couldn't possibly matter what's there that's important to someone else, could it?

[Don't touch that fucking haiku book you shit.]

Would it kill you to try thinking about it from someone else's point of view every now and then, Souji?

[Because goddamn would he like to be able to just see if the man's okay without it turning into a discussion about his apparent ulterior motives, because it's not like he could possibly be worried or anything -]

Why would I do something time-wasting like that?

[ THINKING ABOUT IT FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S POINT OF VIEW, YOU SAY? to this spoiled brat?

—hahahaha. ]

It's not what I'm around to be doing.

Right. And you know what I'm not around to be doing?

Getting derailed by this kind of presumptuous bullshit when I just wanted to see how the fuck you were doing.

...I'm pretty sure I told you I was fine and you didn't need to bother going out of your way.

[ he sounds a little begrudging as he says that, tone a little quieter. ]

Go worry about everyone else. There's a lot of us again and you can only look in so many directions at once.

[ it's not just the two of them, anymore, and maybe that too is just another reason he's being such a hardhead about this. it's hard enough to open up even just a little to Hijikata alone; now that they're swarmed again with the others, they might as well have not only gone back to zero, but progressed backwards, in the process. ]

Everyone tells me they're fine.

[He doesn't finish that thought, but it's obvious enough where he's going with it - that he has a hard time believing it unless he sees it with his own eyes, because most of the Shinsengumi would cheerfully tell Hijikata they were fine even if their intestines had just been removed via their throat.

But he doesn't go into that - he just stands up, dusts himself off.]

That's because it's not like if you were told otherwise it would change a single thing.

[ other than make Hijikata more miserable, that is ]

[What, and having the wool pulled over his eyes doesn't make him feel worse? He shouldn't have ignored it, he shouldn't have assumed, he should have realized -]

Maybe not.

[But there's something very noncommittal about the way he says that - because he's thinking that it's not like being told they're fine changes anything, either, except perhaps for leaving him a little further in the dark, when he of all people shouldn't be.]

[ . . . ]

Hajime-kun is gone, right?

[ subject change ~~don't you go there with your brackets JFC~~. ]

...I haven't been able to find him since I remembered who I am.

[So yes, gone. In some dungeon dimension or...who knows where. He's not sure how to feel about it, because he doesn't see any particular reason to believe that the Trumps would do anything so generous as send anyone home when they tire of playing with them (and home doesn't always sound like such a great mercy, for them), but -

He doesn't know whether it's easier or harder without Saitou around.]

closed to (his) souji.

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wow did you like set this trap of irony and foreshadowing or was it coincidence

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