synopsychic | had enough

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had enough

I... I've had enough.

[Jean's voice come across the network as very quiet and rather weak. He's back from the death again, this time remaining in liminal space.]

I was killed. Again. What sort of a person gets killed twice in the same jaunt? It's ridiculous. [There's a forced, nervous laugh.] On top of that this time it was... it was... more painful, both mentally and... becausewhydidIrunintothemjustwhy-

[The way he talks is more panicky at the end before an abrupt pause. He's quiet for quite a long time before gathering himself and continuing.]

I'll be staying in Liminal Space. I don't think I would be useful anymore even if I came back.

Well you could probably use me as a shield.

[Ha ha. Ha..... ]

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It's not like he locks it, and if he's mad at anyone, it'll be me. [He really thinks Kanji will understand, though.]

Come on, it can't be far.

[Jean nods and gets up. There must be some sort of a mark made of cold coins on his ass because of how long he's sat there and it really feels like nasty.]

... thanks. I wasn't sure what I'd do with not much here. Can't do much with Hammerspace and portals only.

I know the feeling. Still, at least there's somewhere.

[Sure enough, it's not too far to the door to Aiya - and even without the usual full complement of food, it's a damn sight more welcoming than a pile of money.]

Talk if you want, don't if you don't. You just had a pretty upsetting time of things, and I'm not going to hold it against you if you need to get some of that out of your system.

[It really is a much nicer place. Even if Jean hadn't visited the place that many times, it already felt familiar and right now, familiarity was good. It was comforting.

With Naoki's speech, Jean lowers his gaze to the ground. Just the memory of what happens is enough to cause some fresh trembles in him. It's probably something he should say out loud to someone because it was driving him crazy and... he trusted Naoki.

Jean sat down on one of the chairs before talking.]

... I. I was burned to death.

[Needless to say that's already a good way to get trauma. The next part is much harder to say and it takes him a while to even continue.]

By Eren's overlay. One of my... one of... he's.... I... consider him a f-friend...

[Naoki winces.] And the first one was bugging you enough anyway, so topping it off with dying again, this time at the hands of someone you wouldn't normally expect that from... no wonder you're ready to call it a day out there.

Sounds like a complicated friendship, though.

[Jean is quiet for a while, thinking about things. Eren had almost wanted to kill him before - due to Jean being stupid and saying the wrong things. Then again, they had talked and apologized so it was over and done with. Besides, this was a dangerous overlay in a dangerous Jaunt - and definitely not Eren.

... still it definitely didn't help he was killed by someone he knew that closely, no matter what the situation. Especially when things were complicated as they were.]

Yeah well... I don't know if he considers me a friend. It's very... we don't exactly get along. More likely he hates me...

[Jean's probably never sounded as weak and unsure as he does now. Well, he's never really felt as weak as he does now either.]

... I don't know how to face him after this.

Hey, at least you know it was the overlay and not actually him. You have to start somewhere with these things, and that's as good a place as any. If he's any kind of decent guy, then when this is all over he'll probably apologise.

Why would he hate you?

... I'm kind of afraid he won't. I mean. I want to believe he will... but afraid he won't.

[A lot of his insecurities and issues about Eren had made a resurface, even if it wasn't even Eren who did anything. It's why he was so unsure about everything about this. Even if he knew that Eren wasn't the kind of guy to leave it like this. Normally. Then there was the insecure part where he's totally convinced Eren hated him.]

I've always been a jerk to him. We've never really agreed on anything and I ... always yell at him about everything and he yells at me about everything.

... plus we're in love with the same girl. Not that he realizes it... but he's constantly jealous of me and Mikasa being so close.

For now, trust that he will. You're not going to do yourself any good spinning around and around on the worry that he might not, so trust that he will, and if he doesn't... if he doesn't, I'll try to help you figure out how to approach it then. [After all, at that point it could be just as awkward for Eren to bring it up as it would be for Jean.

Naoki snorts.] Well, I'm definitely not qualified to help with the love triangle part. The rest sounds like me and Hanamura with more yelling, though, and if that comparison actually holds up? He probably doesn't hate you. Maybe you'll never be best friends or anything, but sometimes good friends just... yell at each other, and that's how they function.

You... You're right. I'll see how... things go after the Jaunt.

[Jean really didn't need the extra anxiety.]

It's not really a triangle... anymore at least. [He needs to correct that, yes.] You're saying it's... normal for friends to fight a lot? I don't... really know. I haven't had that many friends for very long.

'A lot' depends on the friends, but everybody does it every now and then. Hell, Kanji and I had an argument last week. [And that happens very, very rarely.] But don't write him off as hating you unless he actually says as much.

... I'll... try not. [He takes a deeper breathe.] I'll try not to let this affect how I feel about him as well.

I know it's not easy sometimes. But I do think you guys'll be okay, as long as you get a chance to talk about it.

[He hopes so, anyway.]

... somehow I'm even afraid of that, since usually even our serious conversations end up in a fight.

[He sighs, but at least it's not a desperate one at this point. He's calmed down a bit for now.]

You know, being here reminds me of the party for Souji and... I counted up the days when mine would be, according to what we follow in liminal.

[It's not like he's cared about birthdays, but he might as well say it since it came to his mind and it's good to get this stuff out.]

It was the day Eren killed me. What a present, right?

Ouch. I mean, I ended up with a doozy of a birthday last year myself, but at least nobody killed me.

I imagine the amount of good birthdays is radically smaller than those that fall on something unfortunate. So I'm not even mad about it, just... the timing.

[Not the way he imagined turning sixteen.]

Yeah, probably. [At least they still know when their birthdays are relative to Traveling.]

Dying's not easy. I can't imagine dying twice in three weeks is going to be any more fun. But more of us are going to know the feeling than not, so at least people will understand why it's bugging you so much.

... yeah. It still kinda feels like I'm abandoning the mission. I feel damn useless.

Well, I can't say I blame you. Giving up's not in my nature, but... I also can't say how I'd react to what you've been through. You're not abandoning the mission, you're trying to keep yourself sane, and right now that's not going to happen out there.

If you think you can handle it again, there's always the temple, if you can get a portal there. At least for now, it's pretty quiet.

[For now.]

I suppose. It's not like I'd be any use with my mental state being like it is.

[He'd be fighting about the worst investigator award with Jules if he went back right away.]

My portals are stationary so I'm not sure if I can really decide where I get out. Which is kind of a nuisance, really.

No kidding. I really need to figure out the other kind. [Being so scattered this jaunt has only driven the point home.]

But that's why you see if someone who's already there can let you out. Plenty of us can do those portals, at least.

Yeah. I'll throw a question to the network if when... if I feel like returning and going to the Temple. For now, I think I'll stay here.

I wonder how comfortable those booths are for sleeping. [If he can get himself to sleep.]

Probably not the greatest, but better than a pile of coins, that's for sure.

Do you want me to stay here for a while?

... if it's not too much trouble, I definitely wouldn't mind some company for a while. Talking makes it harder to think about things.

Not at all. I even have a couple jaunts you weren't around for to talk about, if that'd help.

had enough

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