welp

[thornsofmalkav]

As the people's poet Ice Cube once said, more than a quarter century ago, "Fuck the police."

Or, I guess, fuck the secret police. Same principle.

Um. Hi. So. Uh. I'm dead again. My overlay was snooping around the site for the Solomon Ring, she got caught by a Manticore Squire, he took her off for questioning and called in a Knight to help him... and let's just say the interrogation went poorly. I'm pretty sure that's what they're going to say in their report about my death. If they don't just go and erase the tapes to cover it up. Which they might. They're a secret police after all.

Anyway, right before the Knight freaked out and I died, the Knight put his hand on my head and said, and I quote, "Oh god, they're back."

Which, um, is kinda worrying.

Also, uh. I should probably let people know that my overlay's boss, Dr. L, is trying to mess with the Solomon Ring for his own purposes. And, uh, he's hella psychic, if only short-ranged, so he knows there's something up with Investigators, if not exactly what. But he's not hostile to us. A little wary, but not hostile.

Anyway, can people keep an eye out the next couple days to see if my death is at all announced or if there's a cover-up? Hajime, you should be able to tell if anyone from the government goes to Dr. L. He's, like, listed as my overlay's employer on her work visa. Because if I'm not officially dead, I'm going to take advantage of the other Thorne's bank account while I still can and maybe see if I can pretend to be her in other ways until the Jaunt ends.

[Locked to Joscelin]

Alcuin's gone. I tried to psychic message him as soon as I woke up here.

He's not on a walkabout or anything. He was here on the Jaunt. I met him. He called himself Alan and... I guess it doesn't matter.

He's been really fucked up since-- since Delaunay vanished. And he and Leo were fighting again. And maybe Malik too?

He's probably in a dungeon now. If I hadn't been Infiltrating...

[Locked to Leonardo]

Querido, do you mind coming to see me for a little while? I could use some company. [And the comfort of eating straight from the tap as it were.]

Comments

[howexciting]

Of course. I won't leave your side until you're ready. [Which might not be until Jaunt end, and he understands that. Once she pulls away, he starts tugging up the sleeve of his doublet so that his wrist is easily available, for whenever she wants to feed.]

Why should you apologize to me? You've done nothing wrong.

i only expected her to apologize for the dungeon, wowe

[thornsofmalkav]

[Aw, she'd really rather the neck, but maybe that's too intimate for him.]

No, I think I probably should anyway. For not trying to see you more during the last liminal. For letting an empty room deter me. For letting myself get so wrapped up in Alcuin and everything new between us that-- god, we didn't mean for it to happen that way, Leo, you have to believe me. Alcuin was going to talk to you to see if it would be okay to-- to have my room adjacent to yours or to even share with you two. If you were okay with having me as a member of your-- your household, he called it. And if you wouldn't have been okay then nothing would have happened and he'd just visit me from time to time, but if you had been... well. The whole arrangement could have been a little like Brooklyn...

And then Anafiel Delaunay showed up and made everything complicated and I don't think Alcuin ever got a chance to talk to you about it--for all I know he forgot about it--it's not like Anaf-- Delaunay hadn't thoroughly distracted him from other things [like how Alcuin had bailed on their 'date' that first night] but I should have tried to talk to you about it, I should have tried to talk to you about anything, but it felt like these invisible lines had been drawn almost and I wanted to stay on Alcuin's side, but I should have tried to reach out. And I didn't.

... and now he's in a dungeon and it's my fault.

[howexciting]

[If she needs it right now, the wrist is more accessible in this getup. If she wants to feed elsewhere, all she has to do is ask.]

... I understand, and still do not see a need for you to apologize. Alcuin is... a very captivating creature. There is no reason to ask my forgiveness for getting lost in him.

[He does not take well to being reminded of Brooklyn - nor Anafiel, for that matter. Leonardo is actually shocked when she almost calls him by first name. God, now she's on a first-name basis with him. He has no chance of winning, now...]

... Charlene. If his dungeon is anyone's fault, it is mine. He and I are connected by our Bond, remember? I felt it the instant he disappeared. I... I pray he has left, actually... it would spare him from this hell...

[He tries not to look upset about that fact, but it's hard not to, when he feels so much about Alcuin, despite all their hangups and setbacks.] You know that he and I fought, and haven't spoken with each other for... quite some time. Not since Delaunay appeared, in fact. I can understand you wanting to stay by Alcuin's side - believe me, I know. And he trusts you as a confidante far more than he can ever trust me. I am... glad you were with him, then. If anything it might have kept him from disappearing sooner.

[thornsofmalkav]

[Look, Alcuin always calls him by first name when she's alone with him, so she's gotten into the habit of thinking of him that way ok ok. She still likes you better.

Even if right now you're being extremely obtuse.]

Leonardo di Ser Piero da Vinci, I could shake you. I am not Alcuin's confidante. As far as I can tell, Alcuin nò Delaunay has no confidante. He certainly does all he can to avoid telling me anything. I can think of one occasion he actually voluntarily told me anything of himself and it was way, way back during midwinter and he showed me his marque and explained what it meant. That's all. Everything else I know of him I either learned from Joscelin or by accident.

I'm not his confidante. I wish I were his confidante. I wish he'd tell you things too. I wish he'd talk about things that bother him instead of just pushing them down and putting on his dumb serene mask and pretending he's okay all the time. Or hiding from everybody when he can't pretend.

Leonardo, querido, I l-like him a lot and he's sweet and he can be so wonderful sometimes, but he's completely impossible when it come to-- to trusting people or letting himself be vulnerable--truly vulnerable and not just flirtatiously--with people or knowing when to stop. Maybe you and Joscelin are right, maybe I didn't send him to a dungeon, no matter how many times Infiltrator me accidentally broke his heart, but you didn't either. He sent himself by being a stupid, ridiculous, impossible man who can't let anyone see him as anything but perfect, even if they're the people he loves. I'm surprised he didn't send himself there sooner.

[She grabs Leonardo's hands.]

I'm sorry. But-- god, he's exasperating. I care about him so goddamn much, but he can drive me crazy. Crazier. And I try to be understanding because he's had a hard time of it and he's-- well, he's twenty and even if late medieval twenty is an older twenty than modern twenty, I'm still five years older and if anyone has to be the grown-up in this relationship it's me, but--

God, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, Leo. Just. I don't know. I wish you wouldn't think I mean more to him than you do because you're actually empirically wrong about that. I've put my unbeating heart out on a plate for him and seen him go chasing after you instead, because he was too caught up in you to notice what I was doing. And he did it again after Delaunay showed up and this after I told him my feelings and he told me he loved me. For someone so observant he's so goddamn stupid and I--

[She looks down, trying to blink away tears.]

I should have talked with you earlier. Or maybe told him some of this. I don't know. All I know is we're going to need to all talk once we get him out. Like grown-ups. The grown-ups we all ostensibly are. [She looks back up at Leonardo.] I don't want to give up on this. I don't want to give up on him or on you. I don't want you to give up either. And I am going to search every goddamn night until I find his dungeon door and then you and me, Leonardo, will haul him out together. As a team. All right?

[howexciting]

[He's not sure, but he somehow feels like he should be wincing when Thorne addresses him by his full name. That's odd...]

Then perhaps I misspoke. His consoler, then. He can be vulnerable around you, and he has. Around me...

[Leoanrdo doesn't finish the sentence, stiffening when Thorne grasps his hands.]

Charlene...

[He draws his hands away, a look of pain on his face as he takes a step back, his hands going into his hair and tugging tightly on the strands.]

No. No. He loves you, Thorne, he truly does-- and you love him. God almighty, you love him...

[He closes his eyes tightly when he feels the sting of tears, shaking his head a few times to drive the point home to himself. He finally releases his hair, letting his hands drop to the sides limply.]

He won't want me there. Delaunay wouldn't either. He wouldn't want me to learn their secrets. He may resent me for wanting to try.

... we fought, you know, Delaunay and I. He came seeking me when Alcuin refused to return to his side and... god forgive me, we fought, and I cannot forgive myself for it. I should have kept my mouth shut, I should have-- should have just gone to meet Delaunay, and tried my best to pretend that I was happy he was here, that I was happy for Alcuin...

... we talked about you. Delaunay made a very good point, that neither of us had... [Leonardo pauses his thought to swallow, his throat suddenly very dry.]

He deserves you, Charlene. He deserves your love, far more than... I will help you retrieve him, but I... no. I cannot believe you. I cannot believe... I may be the worst thing that has ever...

[It's becoming clearer the more he talks, the more disjointed his sentences are, the weaker his voice seems to become:

He's already given up.]

[thornsofmalkav]

[Oh god. Why hadn't she... she'd been so wrapped up in her own stupid self-hatred and her fear of being in the way and being undeserving and then when she'd finally let herself think maybe she could get what she wanted without she'd been swept away in everything and and and

fuck.]

You're not.

Trust me, you're not the worst thing that's happened to him. By far.

[She takes a step closer to Leonardo. Puts her hand on his arm.]

He loves you too. He loved you first. And it's not a zero sum game, Leonardo. There's got to be a way for us to all have what we want. Or close enough. We just have to-- we need to sit down and we need to talk like grown-ups.

And you know what? Fuck what Anafiel Delaunay wants. [She winces then.] ... I mean. Don't tell Alcuin I said that when we find him, but. No matter how Alcuin feels about him, the dude was only human. He made mistakes. And I don't know what happened in your fight but if he thinks you suck... well, then he's mistaken about you. You're far from perfect, Leo, but you don't suck nearly as much as you think you do. Nobody sucks that much. The King in Yellow doesn't suck as much as you think you do. A black holes doesn't.

[Granted she missed Harrogate but she's pretty sure about this anyway.]

I mean. Okay. I've caught him at vulnerable moments. But that's halfway because I'm too dumb or stubborn to give up when I'm worried about him and halfway because I'm always letting myself be vulnerable at him. And when you do that with someone nine times out of ten they'll let themselves be vulnerable back.

Please, Leo. Don't give up just yet. Please.

[howexciting]

He loved Delaunay first. [The words come out almost sharp, bitter. But he quiets again not a split second after.] I may not be the worst that has happened to him, but I am certainly one of them. He would be happier if he... if we had never... he'd be happier with you. He is happier with you.

[The second she mentions the King in Yellow, there is a flash of something dark in Leonardo's eyes - anger, perhaps?] The King in Yellow can drive a man mad in the time it takes for you to blink. I seriously doubt your postulation is correct, given that I once infiltrated as a high priest of that monster.

[thornsofmalkav]

Yeah, well, Anafiel isn't here anymore.

[She winces after she says that. After glancing around to make sure they're still alone, she lowers her voice to say:]

But. I mean it. Delaunay's gone. You aren't. And honestly, in a lot of ways you're better for him. Alcuin kind of... loses himself in Delaunay. And from what I could see of them together, Delaunay was caught between trying to gently shove away because he knew he wasn't good for him and holding tight to him like he was the last good thing in his life. Which was probably true.

But, I mean, you're wrong that you should push him away, but at least you really would, at least you... you're a better man than he was, Leo. You. Not your damn Infiltrations. I'm talking about the Leonardo I've been friends with over the last year, the Leonardo who's been so kind to me, not any of the others, not even my goddamn husband. You.

[She takes a deep shaky breath.] And. And if he was happier with me, he wouldn't have fallen into a dungeon, would he? He'd be happiest with both of us.

[howexciting]

I wish he'd never come in the first place!

[Leonardo's outburst is just as startling, given that he never raises his voice if he can help it. But his voice comes out quiet and reserved after Thorne finishes speaking.]

... I wish I could believe you, Charlene. I truly wish I could. [He places his hand over his eyes for a moment, then shifts his hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. He doesn't say anything more at the moment, trying very hard to keep his composure.]

[thornsofmalkav]

[Thorne swallows, hard.]

I... don't know what I wish in regards to him, honestly. He was kind to me and didn't resent me for... well, for having feelings for Alcuin--and after the shitshow that was me and Phedre over a stupid mistake that I regret forever, that was a hell of a relief.

But him being there hurt you. And it fucked up things between you and Alcuin and-- and him disappearing wrecked Alcuin but good.

[She sighs.] I wish you could believe me too.