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[A couple days into Liminal Space, but before it changes, Naoki puts out a message. He sounds... tired, but satisfied.]

I've worked out something that will counteract the radiation exposure most of us just got. There's some in the workshop and some in Kanji's place - there should be enough for everyone who was on Gehenna.

Please, guys, take a bottle. I don't care how invincible you think you are, I don't care how much you might think I hate you, I don't care how bad you think it tastes - I did the best I could, but it's still pretty clearly medicine. Radiation is serious business, and none of us deserve to be stuck with the long-term effects if there's a way around it. If it turns out you absolutely cannot get it down for some reason, let me know and I'll try another version.

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Thank you for that, sensei. I'm possibly not as up on the symptoms as I should be.

[Private]

[Naoki's response very strongly suggests an exasperated sigh.] I've already made enough for everyone, including you. Or did you think there's someone else around here laboring under the false impression I hate them? That was only true before Hanamura went missing. [And even then they cleared that much up.]

Even my healing spells aren't cut out for this crap. Too many people care about you to leave it to chance.

Then keep it for use in a more serious case. Store it as a prototype in the event we get stuck on another planet with large doses of radiation. I can heal the damage any radiation might have caused, so you needn't worry about me.

[He pauses for quite a long moment at that statement. Did.. did Helena tell him? Or did Naoki just guess? Either way it jars him, so much so that a private thought accidentally gets broadcast to Naoki when it wasn't meant to be.]

... but you clearly don't like me. And I lost your respect months ago.

[The nerves are raw, there, raw and painful. They still are. And he has no one to blame but himself for this. The rapid, clipped tone of an anxious, upset person resonates strongly over the Network now.]

It isn't chance, it-- I can take care of this myself. I do not want to impose-- please, just... save it for an emergency. Save it for another Traveler.

I don't need a prototype now that I have a working formula - besides, if I keep a spare and end up infiltrating whenever the next radiation thing is, or not on it, it's as good as useless until I get a chance to make more anyway. And you're not imposing. I'd be a pretty crappy healer if I didn't look out for everyone.

[He considers not answering the quieter part... but really, considering Leo's been avoiding him like the plague, when else are they actually going to discuss any of this? (Helena didn't need to tell him. It's been easy enough to guess from the avoidance alone.) This is the closest he's going to get to Leo coming to him to deal with things, so he's damn well going to take it.]

Not liking someone doesn't mean hating them. Just like understanding why a choice was made doesn't mean being able to forgive that choice being made in the first place. If I hated you, I wouldn't be taking advantage of your hospitality, not even for Kanji's sake, and especially not now that there are other options. If I hated you, I might have actually considered killing Blitzkopf instead of dismissing you out of hand.

Still probably would have told you no, just not right away.

As for my respect... it was your actions that created this mess. So I guess the question is what you're going to do to earn it back. Not impossible. Giving stuff to the info-pooling project is helping.

[But Leo can probably guess how much the sigil business didn't help.]

Edited 2016-03-03 02:21 (UTC)

Dio dannato! I just wish to ease your burden. At least let me do that. Someone else will need that far more than I will. I would also be a terrible healer if I allowed another to look after my wounds when I was perfectly capable of fixing them myself.

[Aaaaand there it was. The thing hanging over it all. The thing that Naoki would never forgive, and never let him forget. Purgatory, Melasurei, the Name. He's not sure he ever left, with Naoki reminding him of his sins.

Ezeriou cackles at him in the back of his mind: Look at the great Leonardo da Vinci, and how he has fallen. What a disappointment. What a failure. What a waste of space, even in Purgatory, even in Hell! Traitor, liar, deceiver! What a terrible, ignorant, depraved, useless piece of garbage you are!

It takes him a while to continue, and when he does, his mental voice is tired, flat, weak. Neria had told him once to never give up... but...]

Seeing as you do not respect me... please, stop using such a respectful title as sensei. It is insulting to both me and the people you do actually respect to call me such.

[The bitterness in Naoki's tone isn't lost on Leonardo. This is never going to end, is it...?

What an irredeemable sinner...!]

... from where I stand it is very impossible. I can do nothing right in your eyes. No matter what I do, it will never be enough to atone. So... what? Should I keep my distance for as long as we find ourselves here? Should I remain silent? Should I stay out of your sight? Should I stay in Liminal Space and leave you and the other Travelers to it?

Tell me what I can do to erase myself from your life, and I will do it, just... please... please... grant me peace...

[Naoki can't see the tears on Leonardo's end of things, but with how his mental voice is shaky and pleading at the end, it's not exactly inconspicuous.]

...Oh, for Izanami's sake. If you keep holding out for absolution, of course you're not going to get anywhere. I just told you what you can do - what's already helped your case, in fact. If you want to move past it, you have to move, not sit there doing nothing. If you want my respect, do something to get it. If you want to redeem yourself, keep fighting, don't give up just because you screwed up once.

I'm perfectly happy never talking about Purgatory again. You're the one letting it fester. I don't want or expect you to 'erase' yourself from my life. There's not much you could do that'd make me not want to see this at least partially mended, and at this rate I'm starting to worry you're actually going to do it if that time comes. And I'll decide what honorific you get, and when.

You want to do something, right now, that'll help? Take the damn medicine. Otherwise you can explain to everyone who cares about you why you think cancer's better than me not even going out of my way to begin with.

[There are a lot of things he wants to mentally project, here, but does not have the courage to say. "But it has not helped my case enough to warrant any warmth between us." "What use is earning your respect when you clearly have so little to give?" "How can I redeem myself when I keep failing in your eyes every time I try?" "You say I have screwed up once, but I can tell you think I have failed you more." But he does not say any of those things, merely remaining quiet and silent, letting Naoki speak.

There is one part, however, that gets him to speak:]

If you are happy never talking about it again, why did you bring it up in the first place? To guilt me? I have already had enough from the Catholic doctrine to recognize that tactic.

[Getting a mental berating from a teenager is one thing that Leonardo despises. But something else is there, in those words, that frightens him. The tone Naoki uses, the words he picks - they all leave Leonardo unnerved. Leonardo's seen these sort of authoritative pretensions before: in Florentine guards, in the corrupt members of the Signoria, in the Vatican. He knows how to dodge the sharpest of their insults, avoid the worst of their ire, lessen the mental and physical blows, keep himself safe.

Obey. Obey without question. Then they won't question you.]

... as you wish, messere. I will fight no longer. I surrender.

Because you're hanging everything on it and holding out for a resolution I can't give you. And about all you've done since then is avoid me for my convenience, which isn't convenient in the least and doesn't do a damn thing to make me feel better. I got enough of that at home. It gets difficult to look past something when that's all you have to go on.

[Unfortunately for Leo, the move doesn't quite work the way he planned. Naoki sounds a good deal less angry, that's for sure, but he wasn't in this for total capitulation.]

You say that like taking one step isn't worth the effort just because there's a hundred more to go after that. And don't think for a second I don't know that feeling. But that just means I can say from experience that if you don't take the first step you'll never get anywhere, sensei.

I care about a lot of people who care about you. They need you to be better than this.

[Then what can you give me? Nothing? He wants to ask, but he won't. Now is not the time for questions. Now is the time to obey.]

... it is convenient for our mutual friends, if nothing else. They do not have to see you upset. And they do not have to become involved.

[His mental voice is weak, and over time it just seems to grow meeker and more submissive. Justifying every action he's made as a generous gesture to the other person and then apologizing for it has gotten him out of so many troubles before, when Ezio was not there to rescue him. It might work now.

Sometimes he wishes he was that old man he will be in the year 1504: refusing to let his captors win, refusing to give in even in the face of danger, even as they beat him down in the dark, far from anyone who could save him. Sometimes he wishes he could be that strong.]

I am sorry. For everything. I'll... I'll do whatever you want, whatever it takes, as many steps as it takes. I do not wish to fight you anymore. My only wish is to be of assistance to you, however meager it might be. I apologize. For everything.

[The last words sting, more than anything Naoki's said this whole time. He pauses, then admits in a tearful mental voice:]

... I do not deserve them. Not a single one of them. And none of the Travelers deserve a burden such as I. Mi dispiace. Mi dispiace.

I've been shut out of far too much by people who thought they understood the burdens on my time better than I did to take it with any kind of good grace. At this point, pretending it's for anyone else's convenience won't help. If they get involved, it'll be because they're worried about you.

[Naoki's worried about him too, frankly - mainly for Kanji's sake, to be fair, but he is worried. This isn't a good state to linger in. He would know - and he's getting a newfound appreciation for everything Kanji did for him. For everything Souji did for him, in his timeline. But that's one of the lessons of the TV world, isn't it? There's no one so well-adjusted that they have nothing they're struggling with.]

Whether you deserve them is completely beside the point, and I'm sure they'd all disagree. What's going to help everyone is you getting out of this rut you're stuck in, but I'm not the person to help you with that. For all I know, that person isn't even here yet - I just know there's too much... crap here for me to really help, even though I might understand this pit better than nearly anyone else. [Helena probably gets it too, really. But that's her business to discuss, if she chooses.]

If you want to help, don't just roll over and give up without a fight.

But they should not be. I will be fine.

[He won't be. Even he knows that lie is a rather bold-faced one. But if the others start worrying about him, he'll just drag the Travelers down with him, and that is something he cannot bear.]

... as you wish, messere.

[You know that thing you told him not to do? What if he just does the thing? He'll just do the thing.]

...you didn't hear a word I said, did you. [That's quiet enough for its broadcast to possibly be unintentional.]

All we're doing at this point is going around in circles. You're in no condition to listen and I'm not the person to tell you this anyway. Just... let your friends help you before you're beyond help.

[And with that, Naoki disengages from the conversation. It's that or end up snapping again, and he's pretty sure that's only going to make this worse.]

I heard everything you said, messere.

[Action]

[Disengaging from the conversation, sure. But that does not stop Leonardo from making the journey to Aiya. He quietly steps in, saying nothing as he steps up to Naoki's counter, holding out his hands for one of the bottles.]

Edited (herp derp) 2016-03-24 04:24 (UTC)

[Naoki... has a headache, after all that, but that's probably not much of a surprise. He could use a drink, and he's sorely tempted to bust some of the holiday party leftovers out. When Leo approaches, though, he's glad he hasn't yet.

He waves a hand at the array of bottles.] Help yourself, sensei.

[Leonardo quickly withdraws his hand at the mistake, quietly taking the nearest bottle. He uncorks it and without saying a word, downs the entire bottle, right there in front of him. He does not complain about the taste, nor the smell, merely setting the empty bottle on the counter. Before he goes, his eyes finally meet Naoki's... but only for two seconds, before he bows deeply to the other.]

I apologize for upsetting you, messere. It was not my intention, nor should I wish to upset you ever again. I hope you might forgive my transgression.

[And then he turns to leave.]

[Forgiveness is a fraught term in this context. To Naoki, it does not and never has meant absolution, and it certainly doesn't mean pretending what's happened didn't, in fact, happen. It means seeing what happens going forward. This might be one step of probably hundreds, and he's pretty sure Leo's doing it for the wrong reason... but it's still a step.]

I'm sorry I snapped at you.

[Leo deserves that apology, at least. No matter how frustrating it is to watch someone floundering where he used to be, or how impressive it is that Leo got him to snap at all, Naoki shouldn't have.]

[He pauses, only turning his head slightly to be heard over his shoulder.]

You do not need to apologize. It is because of me we are in this mess. I am the one who deserves blame for everything, including angering you. I only hope I never do so again.

[And then he's gone.]

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