synopsychic | [Video]// backdated to the fridge liminal

[Alcuin cannot bring himself to speak, even mentally, for fear of breaking, but he does wish to respond. So a few moments later he extends a private line with sensory livestreaming of a warm, soft weight upon his back and gentle arms wrapped around him. It holds firm for two or three heartbeats, and then fades.]

[Armin draws in a shuddering breath as the unexpected sensation envelops him. He doesn't respond aloud, and cuts off his side of the conversation before anyone can see him break down and start crying - although what Alcuin saw before that happened made what he was doing far more obvious than he'd like it to be.]

It takes some effort and a little trial and error, but Alcuin manages to track Armin down with Psychic Detection and silently settles beside his friend to take Armin in his arms and hold him close. They have both lost. Badly.

Though his cheeks were mostly dry when Alcuin came in, he can't help the tears leaking onto his cheek when Alcuin hold him. After a moment, he turns so that he can return the embrace, enfolding Alcuin tightly.

"...I'm so sorry, Alcuin," he whispers.

Alcuin shakes his head, and adjusts to hold Armin comfortably against his chest. There is loss enough for them both here. "I am sorry as well," he finally whispers in return. "You did not deserve this." Gentle fingers stroke through golden hair.

Armin shivers at the fingers in his hair, not letting his grip loosen. He trembles a little, conflicted by how Alcuin seems to care only for him, for all that his own loss is greater still. But then, that's very Alcuin.

"None of us deserve this. Nobody does. But that hardly matters."

"No," Alcuin whispers. It doesn't matter. It never has. "Still... I wish she had stayed. For both your sakes."

"I wish they all had stayed. I wish..." But it doesn't matter what he wishes, either, and it seems foolish to dwell on that now.

"I know," Alcuin murmurs, combing his fingers through Armin's hair. "I know, bright one. We will just have to stay together."

He turns his head, burying his face against Alcuin's shoulder. The embrace tightens, just a little.

"I am here," Alcuin breathes, pressing his cheek to Armin's temple. "I'll not leave you. Breathe, and let it come. I'll stay right here. I am not going anywhere. Let it come."

Wait, Sansa's-!?

[There's a pause as Eren cuts himself off. Dammit! He should have realized! But he'd spent so much time outside of Thorne's dungeon waiting for it to open, he never thought it odd that he hadn't seen her. Idiot! ...But there's nothing he can do about that now. All he can do is make up for that mistake - while simultaneously refusing to make the same mistakes he'd made before. He won't let misunderstandings and incorrect assumptions threaten their friendship like that ever again.]

...You know I'm here if you need me, right?

[Armin looks away sharply, doing his best to hide his reaction to Sansa's disappearance to the network. If Eren looks back, he may remember Armin being quiet and sad and withdrawn, even as he visited Eren and Alcuin near Thorne's door - and the source of that sorrow may seem clear in retrospect. But at the time, outside Thorne's dungeon and with the recent knowledge of Eren's, it probably seemed there was enough sorrow that he didn't think to question it.]

...I know.

[Of course he thought it was due to the dungeons at the time. Yet looking back now it all seems so obvious. How could he have missed it? He feels like he's let his best friend down.]

[Eren doesn't respond; the Network isn't the place to be having this conversation. He holds the connection in wordless support for a few short moments before ending it.]

[Although Eren's certainly not going to let things stand at just that. It's likely little surprise when there's a knock at the door a short time later - the door that connects the two rooms together, rather than the one to the outside. If it's not locked that door will crack open just a little, but either way Eren's voice can be heard from the other side.] Armin?

...Come in. [When he responds, Armin's voice is quiet and flat and tired. And he certainly isn't surprised to hear the knock on the door - though Eren might be a little surprised by what he finds in the room.

Armin lays sideways on the bed, fully clothed, quiet and unmoving. He's not reading or writing or working in any way - simply laying back, one arm thrown over and covering his eyes. He doesn't respond as Eren enters the room.]

[Eren slips inside and quietly closes the door behind him. What he finds is surprising, but not as much as it might once have been. The state Armin's in is worse than he'd hoped, but better than he'd feared. Considering the state he found Armin in the last time Sansa had disappeared...]

[He steps over and sits beside Armin on the bed, and wordlessly places a hand on his friend's shoulder.]

[He doesn't respond to the hand on his shoulder, simply laying there silently. If not for the slow rise and fall of his chest, Eren might have reason to worry even more.

Eventually, the arm falls from his face. His eyes are still closed, and - perhaps strangely - it doesn't look as if he's been crying. He has a nearly alarming lack of expression on his face.]

[Now Eren is really beginning to worry. At first he was glad he hadn't walked in to find his friend a broken mess as he had the last time. But somehow, this stillness begins to feel even more worrisome. He sits and waits patiently for his friend to move or say something. ...Or at least he tries his best to wait patiently. He's quiet, and does his best to keep still, but can't help fidgeting a little bit sometimes. He always has been bad at sitting still and waiting when something is wrong. He's better than he used to be, at least, but that still doesn't make him any good at it. And yes, that fidgeting does include occasionally leaning over a little to better double check that Armin's still breathing evenly and there's no sign of injuries, what with how disturbingly still his friend is being.]

[Yet even with Eren's fidgeting, his hand never leaves Armin's shoulder. His grip tightens slightly, reassuringly, when the blond finally finally lowers his arm. But when Eren sees his face... well. There's no "nearly" about the alarm he feels. Unable to take the silence anymore, Eren finally speaks.]

I'm... sorry I didn't realize sooner. [There's a weight to his voice, a feeling of guilt he can't quite mask; not from someone that knows him so well.] But you don't have to hide your feelings. Not from me.

[At least he hopes that's all it is. Because otherwise Armin seems so... broken. Like something inside of him couldn't handle it and just turned off.]

[Armin finally opens his eyes - and when he does they are clear and sharp, seemingly unclouded by his pain and grief.] It's not your fault. I didn't say anything, and there was enough to mourn as it is.

[His voice is soft, and like the rest of him, shows alarmingly little emotion. He shakes his head at what Eren says next.] I'm not, Eren. She vanished weeks ago, during the jaunt. I miss her, but... I never got her back after the last time she left. Not really.

Edited 2016-11-17 03:08 (UTC)

[That long? For a second his eyes narrow ever so slightly - the barest hint at an internal wince. Then it wasn't just a matter of losing track of the goings-on in Liminal Space while he'd waited for the doors to Thorne's dungeon to open. He'd failed his friend outright.] That there was already enough to mourn doesn't mean you had to keep quiet about it.

[No wonder Armin had been so quiet and sad lately. Did he even have anyone to turn to at the time, with so many others Infiltrating? Why did the Trumps have to take her away at all, but especially then? Deep down, his anger at their captors is further reinforced, although he doesn't let any of that anger show.]

[Eren hesitates, thinking something over. He's not sure whether saying this will actually help - it might even make things worse. But he has to say something! No matter what Armin says, his friend is clearly not okay. But arguing with him will only hurt them both. So finally he continues.] ...I don't know what happened to her to make her change, but whatever she went through? It didn't make her stop caring about you.

[Armin looks at his friend, and though little visibly changes, somehow the pain and sorrow deepens in his eyes.]

I know. [His voice is calm and quiet.] It just wasn't enough.

[And Eren's already regretting saying that, but it's too late to take it back. At least he was able to get a reaction out of his friend besides that... That awful emotionless numbness. And as painful as this probably is to talk about, Armin needs to know the truth.]

[Eren shakes his head, then looks back to his friend as he speaks again.] No, it wasn't that she didn't love you enough. She did love you. A lot. I could tell. You think I would've forgiven her so quickly if she hadn't convinced me of that? When I talked to her, she told me she wouldn't give herself the chance to hurt you again. That you deserved better. And... she was afraid you wouldn't love her anymore once you figured out how much she'd changed. Which was dumb, and I told her it was dumb, but she was that scared of hurting you.

[Armin continues to look at Eren, his expression unchanging.]

I know, Eren. But it wasn't enough. [He speaks as if it's the most obvious thing in the world, as if he's confused Eren doesn't understand what he means.] She hurt me anyway, and I never got her back.

She loved me. And it wasn't enough.

Ah- [He looks away, trying to think of what he should say. Eren raises his free hand to run his fingers through his hair. Armin's clearly not okay, but he's reacting in a way Eren hasn't seen before and he doesn't know what Armin's thinking, doesn't know what to say to help - or even if he should say anything at all. What's he trying to get at? That what happened wasn't Armin's fault, so he shouldn't blame himself? That it's okay to let himself feel? After a pause that last several seconds, he finally, slowly, begins to speak again.]

...I think it would've been. If there'd been more time. If Traveling wasn't so messed up. I...

[He takes a deep breath and lets it out as a sigh. He's just making everything worse, isn't he? Fuck.]

I don't know, Armin. But I'm worried about you. I've been worried about you, I just thought it was just... [He shakes his head.] I'm sorry.

[Armin slowly shakes his head, his eyes still far too clear through his grief.] But that doesn't matter. Because we didn't have more time, and Traveling is so messed up.

[And then he smiles - a smile Eren won't recognize, one that looks amused but is utterly devoid of humor. Something sardonic and dark and cynical, that almost seems a mockery of a true smile.] You're worried? Don't be. What more can they do to me that they haven't already done?

Edited 2016-11-19 04:50 (UTC)

[Eren looks back at his friend, and his eyes widen. In contrast to the alien expression on his best friend's face, Eren's expression is unfortunately very familiar to Armin: fear. The kind of fear he gets in his eyes when everything's gone horribly wrong and he doesn't know how to stop his world from crumbling around him. The kind of fear that, for a few heartbeats, makes even Eren Jaeger freeze like a rabbit who just saw the shadow of a hawk pass over him.]

[Yet he only stays like that for a couple of seconds. He leans down and wraps his arms around his friend, then pulls Armin up to hold him against his chest. Eren hugs him, tightly. He's shaking. The tremors are nearly invisible but Armin will be able to feel that shaking while he's being held close like this. Eren is shaking with fear and sorrow... and rage.]

[He'd once asked Alcuin how many times someone can break before you can't put them back together anymore. Now he's terrified he might have received his answer. That even if he helped put the pieces back together the damage is becoming so severe as to begin making his friend into someone unrecognizable. And that possibility brings him more sadness than he could ever say.]

[And rage... His anger is for the Trumps, the ones that did this to his friend. For a time, he'd almost been willing to give them a chance to explain themselves. After all, he'd once hated the Titans with his entire being, only to realize everything he'd thought was wrong. He'd started to think that maybe, just maybe he'd been wrong about the Trumps too. Mostly because he was begrudgingly grateful to them for saving Armin from the fate he would come to back home. But no... His friend has been hurt far too badly for that. It's too late for understanding, too late for forgiveness. A year ago he'd screamed that he'd grind their captors' bones to dust beneath his feat. This time he does not give voice to the way he feels, but the smoldering anger inside him has been rekindled into an uncontrollable blaze. He will find a way to confront the Trumps. And he will make them pay.]

Shit. [ Her psychic voice is soft, and quietly resigned. ]

Do you want a hug? Or... I don't know, some hot chocolate and a quiet room to sit in where no one's going to come looking for you? I don't know what else to...

I don't know anymore. I'm sorry.

I. I wouldn't say no to a hug.

[Now he's in a private conversation, he lets his guard down a little - and he mostly just looks sad and tired. He's quiet for a long moment.]

...I'm so sorry about Tim. And Dick.

[ There's a momentary pause before she answers, sensory details leaking faintly through the psychic connection — the tightness of her throat, the bite of her fingernails digging into her palms. ]

Thanks. I guess I'm not surprised, I just... wish I could have talked to Tim again before he left.

...I can't believe I have to do this without him.

[Armin quivers a little, growing tense as the tightness in his throat redoubles, feeding instinctively off of her mirrored emotional reaction.]

...I understand.

Anyway, uh... my door's open. And easy to find. It's purple.

If you wanted to come over for a hug and... comfort food? Or something? Say the word and it's yours.

[He swallows, hard, trying to speak past the lump and the tightness in his throat.] I... I'll be over in a few minutes. If that's all right.

*****

[And indeed, about ten minutes later there's a quiet knock on the door.]

Edited 2016-11-18 07:57 (UTC)

[ The door opens immediately, almost as if Steph had been waiting near it. She waves him in, and the moment he's inside with the door firmly closed behind him, Steph pulls him into a tight hug. She needs a little comfort and a friendly face at least as much as he does. ]

I'm sorry.

[Armin isn't quite prepared for the hug, and as he wraps his arms around her in return he lets out a noise suspiciously close to a sob. After a moment, he buries his face in her shoulder, arms tightening as he trembles a little.]

[ Steph's breath catches for a moment, and when she lets it out, it comes a little shakily. She doesn't say anything else, just holds on until he seems like he's starting to loosen his grip. What else is there to say except me too... and that part is obvious enough. ]

[Armin holds on for a solid couple minutes - certainly longer than he expected to need - before he slowly pulls back. His cheeks are damp, and there are tears in his eyes, though he wasn't audible crying. He wipes them away unabashedly, before looking up at her.]

...Thank you.

[ She smiles, faint and sad but completely genuine. ]

No problem. Seriously.

[ She steps back a little, and gestures to the couch and arm chairs further into the room, all arranged facing a big bay window that looks out over an illusion of Gotham at night. ]

Um... do you want coffee or tea or something? Cookies? I like mashed potatoes when I'm sad, but I know that's... usually not the case for most people.

[Armin doesn't quite smile, but a twitch of his mouth hints at one, especially at the mention of the potatoes.]

Anything's fine. [He's never really been picky about food - probably a side-effect of growing up in poverty during a food shortage. You take what you can get.] I'm... not really hungry, to be honest. But I should probably eat something.

[Meaning it's been quite some time since he last ate - in truth, he can't remember exactly when it was. Has he eaten today? Last night, maybe? But he knows the lack of interest had more to do with grief and depression than it does with how much he should be eating, so he makes sure to do so whenever he remembers.]

[ Steph eyes him for a moment, and then sighs theatrically. ]

Yeeeaah, okay, sit down. Eat a sandwich, please.

[ There wasn't a plate of sandwiches on the coffee table before. There is now. Also a bowl of potato chips, which Steph grabs a handful of as soon as she's settled in a chair. ]

[His mouth twitches again, looking vaguely amused.] You needn't sound so long-suffering, I'm not that bad.

[Sitting at the end of the couch, Armin reaches for a sandwich without bothering to check what kind it is.]

It's not personal. Just... Tim forgets food is necessary too. So did Oracle, my, uh... mentor, I guess.

I think there's a fifty-fifty chance that if you put on a costume to fight crime, eventually you're going to forget that you have to keep doing normal human things to survive...

...I can't create food by myself. I mean, I still can't even open a portal. So I got a lot of my food each day from Sansa. Now that she's gone... [He trails off. It's not that it would be hard to find someone else to help feed him. It wouldn't. Thorne or Eren would do it only too gladly, if he mentioned it to them. But asking for help, asking someone to take her place... it would mean admitting that she's gone, not only from the Travelers but also from his life.

He can face that, when he has to. But it's still painful - and right now food isn't much of an incentive for him.]

Oh...

[ Her voice is soft, and she bites her lip for a moment while she tries to decide how to respond. ]

Maybe she'll be back. It's kind of a revolving door with some people, you know? But... while she's gone... you can totally come in here and grab some food any time. You don't even have to ask me, just...

[ She gestures to the fridge and a few cabinets, off in the corner under the loft area where she keeps her bed. She knows there are plenty other people who can make food, and would if he asked, but... well, she wouldn't want to ask, in his place. ]

Cass can't make her own food either, so I keep some in here already made.

[His gaze skitters away from hers at that - to be honest, it has been something of a revolving door with Sansa, and that isn't comforting for him. It hasn't been a good thing, for either of them.]

...Thanks.

You can pay me back by helping me figure out some of the psychic stuff sometime. If you want. I'm not as good at that as the liminal part, and the guy I usually ask for help just vanished on me...

[ If she makes a joke about it, it doesn't have to hurt. At the moment. It'll come back later. ]

[Armin actually attempts a smile for her, even though it's clear he's still hurting. And for all that he doesn't join in her joking, he knows what she's doing - his eyes are sad and understanding.

When he responds, his voice is muted but genuine.] I'd be happy to. I haven't managed any of the liminal stuff, but I'm very good with the network.

Heh. Yeah, I noticed that. It's a little bit intimidating.

Intimidating? [He's been called many things, good and bad, but intimidating has never been one of them before. He doesn't really know what to do with that - so instead...] What sorts of psychic skills did you want to learn?

[ She gives him a faintly amused look, lips quirked in a half smile. ]

You can go poking around in other people's heads, Armin. And you're stronger at it than anyone else here. Of course that's a little scary.

[ She doubts he'd abuse it, but still... ]

[Video]// backdated to the fridge liminal

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