synopsychic | [Video]// backdated to the fridge liminal

[Of course he thought it was due to the dungeons at the time. Yet looking back now it all seems so obvious. How could he have missed it? He feels like he's let his best friend down.]

[Eren doesn't respond; the Network isn't the place to be having this conversation. He holds the connection in wordless support for a few short moments before ending it.]

[Although Eren's certainly not going to let things stand at just that. It's likely little surprise when there's a knock at the door a short time later - the door that connects the two rooms together, rather than the one to the outside. If it's not locked that door will crack open just a little, but either way Eren's voice can be heard from the other side.] Armin?

...Come in. [When he responds, Armin's voice is quiet and flat and tired. And he certainly isn't surprised to hear the knock on the door - though Eren might be a little surprised by what he finds in the room.

Armin lays sideways on the bed, fully clothed, quiet and unmoving. He's not reading or writing or working in any way - simply laying back, one arm thrown over and covering his eyes. He doesn't respond as Eren enters the room.]

[Eren slips inside and quietly closes the door behind him. What he finds is surprising, but not as much as it might once have been. The state Armin's in is worse than he'd hoped, but better than he'd feared. Considering the state he found Armin in the last time Sansa had disappeared...]

[He steps over and sits beside Armin on the bed, and wordlessly places a hand on his friend's shoulder.]

[He doesn't respond to the hand on his shoulder, simply laying there silently. If not for the slow rise and fall of his chest, Eren might have reason to worry even more.

Eventually, the arm falls from his face. His eyes are still closed, and - perhaps strangely - it doesn't look as if he's been crying. He has a nearly alarming lack of expression on his face.]

[Now Eren is really beginning to worry. At first he was glad he hadn't walked in to find his friend a broken mess as he had the last time. But somehow, this stillness begins to feel even more worrisome. He sits and waits patiently for his friend to move or say something. ...Or at least he tries his best to wait patiently. He's quiet, and does his best to keep still, but can't help fidgeting a little bit sometimes. He always has been bad at sitting still and waiting when something is wrong. He's better than he used to be, at least, but that still doesn't make him any good at it. And yes, that fidgeting does include occasionally leaning over a little to better double check that Armin's still breathing evenly and there's no sign of injuries, what with how disturbingly still his friend is being.]

[Yet even with Eren's fidgeting, his hand never leaves Armin's shoulder. His grip tightens slightly, reassuringly, when the blond finally finally lowers his arm. But when Eren sees his face... well. There's no "nearly" about the alarm he feels. Unable to take the silence anymore, Eren finally speaks.]

I'm... sorry I didn't realize sooner. [There's a weight to his voice, a feeling of guilt he can't quite mask; not from someone that knows him so well.] But you don't have to hide your feelings. Not from me.

[At least he hopes that's all it is. Because otherwise Armin seems so... broken. Like something inside of him couldn't handle it and just turned off.]

[Armin finally opens his eyes - and when he does they are clear and sharp, seemingly unclouded by his pain and grief.] It's not your fault. I didn't say anything, and there was enough to mourn as it is.

[His voice is soft, and like the rest of him, shows alarmingly little emotion. He shakes his head at what Eren says next.] I'm not, Eren. She vanished weeks ago, during the jaunt. I miss her, but... I never got her back after the last time she left. Not really.

Edited 2016-11-17 03:08 (UTC)

[That long? For a second his eyes narrow ever so slightly - the barest hint at an internal wince. Then it wasn't just a matter of losing track of the goings-on in Liminal Space while he'd waited for the doors to Thorne's dungeon to open. He'd failed his friend outright.] That there was already enough to mourn doesn't mean you had to keep quiet about it.

[No wonder Armin had been so quiet and sad lately. Did he even have anyone to turn to at the time, with so many others Infiltrating? Why did the Trumps have to take her away at all, but especially then? Deep down, his anger at their captors is further reinforced, although he doesn't let any of that anger show.]

[Eren hesitates, thinking something over. He's not sure whether saying this will actually help - it might even make things worse. But he has to say something! No matter what Armin says, his friend is clearly not okay. But arguing with him will only hurt them both. So finally he continues.] ...I don't know what happened to her to make her change, but whatever she went through? It didn't make her stop caring about you.

[Armin looks at his friend, and though little visibly changes, somehow the pain and sorrow deepens in his eyes.]

I know. [His voice is calm and quiet.] It just wasn't enough.

[And Eren's already regretting saying that, but it's too late to take it back. At least he was able to get a reaction out of his friend besides that... That awful emotionless numbness. And as painful as this probably is to talk about, Armin needs to know the truth.]

[Eren shakes his head, then looks back to his friend as he speaks again.] No, it wasn't that she didn't love you enough. She did love you. A lot. I could tell. You think I would've forgiven her so quickly if she hadn't convinced me of that? When I talked to her, she told me she wouldn't give herself the chance to hurt you again. That you deserved better. And... she was afraid you wouldn't love her anymore once you figured out how much she'd changed. Which was dumb, and I told her it was dumb, but she was that scared of hurting you.

[Armin continues to look at Eren, his expression unchanging.]

I know, Eren. But it wasn't enough. [He speaks as if it's the most obvious thing in the world, as if he's confused Eren doesn't understand what he means.] She hurt me anyway, and I never got her back.

She loved me. And it wasn't enough.

Ah- [He looks away, trying to think of what he should say. Eren raises his free hand to run his fingers through his hair. Armin's clearly not okay, but he's reacting in a way Eren hasn't seen before and he doesn't know what Armin's thinking, doesn't know what to say to help - or even if he should say anything at all. What's he trying to get at? That what happened wasn't Armin's fault, so he shouldn't blame himself? That it's okay to let himself feel? After a pause that last several seconds, he finally, slowly, begins to speak again.]

...I think it would've been. If there'd been more time. If Traveling wasn't so messed up. I...

[He takes a deep breath and lets it out as a sigh. He's just making everything worse, isn't he? Fuck.]

I don't know, Armin. But I'm worried about you. I've been worried about you, I just thought it was just... [He shakes his head.] I'm sorry.

[Armin slowly shakes his head, his eyes still far too clear through his grief.] But that doesn't matter. Because we didn't have more time, and Traveling is so messed up.

[And then he smiles - a smile Eren won't recognize, one that looks amused but is utterly devoid of humor. Something sardonic and dark and cynical, that almost seems a mockery of a true smile.] You're worried? Don't be. What more can they do to me that they haven't already done?

Edited 2016-11-19 04:50 (UTC)

[Eren looks back at his friend, and his eyes widen. In contrast to the alien expression on his best friend's face, Eren's expression is unfortunately very familiar to Armin: fear. The kind of fear he gets in his eyes when everything's gone horribly wrong and he doesn't know how to stop his world from crumbling around him. The kind of fear that, for a few heartbeats, makes even Eren Jaeger freeze like a rabbit who just saw the shadow of a hawk pass over him.]

[Yet he only stays like that for a couple of seconds. He leans down and wraps his arms around his friend, then pulls Armin up to hold him against his chest. Eren hugs him, tightly. He's shaking. The tremors are nearly invisible but Armin will be able to feel that shaking while he's being held close like this. Eren is shaking with fear and sorrow... and rage.]

[He'd once asked Alcuin how many times someone can break before you can't put them back together anymore. Now he's terrified he might have received his answer. That even if he helped put the pieces back together the damage is becoming so severe as to begin making his friend into someone unrecognizable. And that possibility brings him more sadness than he could ever say.]

[And rage... His anger is for the Trumps, the ones that did this to his friend. For a time, he'd almost been willing to give them a chance to explain themselves. After all, he'd once hated the Titans with his entire being, only to realize everything he'd thought was wrong. He'd started to think that maybe, just maybe he'd been wrong about the Trumps too. Mostly because he was begrudgingly grateful to them for saving Armin from the fate he would come to back home. But no... His friend has been hurt far too badly for that. It's too late for understanding, too late for forgiveness. A year ago he'd screamed that he'd grind their captors' bones to dust beneath his feat. This time he does not give voice to the way he feels, but the smoldering anger inside him has been rekindled into an uncontrollable blaze. He will find a way to confront the Trumps. And he will make them pay.]

[Video]// backdated to the fridge liminal

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