synopsychic | backdated to the day after the shift from clonetemple mountain to basketballroom

[Sorry but this has been a very stressful afternoon and this is the last straw.]

What the fuck Mikasa you can't just say "but" like that and then just say never mind! Why won't you talk to me anymore!?

[Jean's Eren is yelling at Mikasa senses were tingling and it's not something he will tolerate.]

Shut up! You don't know anything about what she's going through, when you're from so far from the past! There are things she can't and won't say to you, because she cares about you, get it?!

How is that my fault!? Maybe I'd know if one of you would bother to tell me anything! I don't know what I did to make her so mad at me but dammit, I haven't done it yet! How does pushing me away have anything to do with caring about me!?

SHE'S NOT MAD AT YOU, YOU IDIOT! That's not why she's acting like this! She's hurt because she can't talk to you the way she used to! Get it?! She wants to be honest, but she can't!

BUT WHY CAN'T SHE!? [He's yelling as loud as he possibly can now, voice cracking a little in desperation.] Maybe if one of you would at least tell me that much it wouldn't feel like you're both just blowing me off! I'd expect that from you, but not her!

HOW IS KEEPING SHIT FROM ME SUPPOSED TO HELP ANYTHING!?

[It takes a bit longer to reply to this because Jean has to make sure this conversation turns into a Private Yelling Fest (tm) after Armin contacted him. Now only they get to enjoy the yelling competition of minds.]

BECAUSE IT WOULD BE BAD FOR YOU! You're not ready for some of the information we know! It's for your own good! Not that I care about what's good for you or not, but I care about Mikasa who cares about you!

[Just to make sure he doesn't get the wrong idea.]

[Thankfully, the pause let Eren reconsider what he was doing and he was already kicking himself for yelling like that over the entire Network, automatically responding in a Private connection. He'd done one more thing to make everyone here hate him, good job. It's not like he'd even care if things here were like how they were back at the walls. But everything is different now and pushing the rest of the world away like he's used to now meant pushing Armin away too.]

[He's really starting to wish he knew how to change, honestly. But like hell would he admit anything of the like to Jean.]

So how the FUCK is this any better than what's happening now!? How is keeping me in the dark supposed to help if more people from my future show up and I have no idea what's going on? I am a soldier! I've had to learn a lot of things that were bad for me! I've had to do a lot of things that were bad for me! Why is this so much worse!? Are there even more traitors and she's worried about telling me who, is that it!?

I can't tell you the details on why so stop fucking asking! Instead, why don't you trust Mikasa on this?! She knows you better than anyone here so she knows when she can speak and can't!

[He takes a deep breathe before adding; ]

You think she'd do this if she didn't have to? If you think that you're more of an idiot than I thought, Jaeger. She... [Hesitation. Gritting his teeth.] She loves you, you idiot. She wouldn't keep things for you if she had a choice.

Edited 2016-01-15 05:12 (UTC)

You just don't understand, dammit!

[His entire family was falling apart around him. Of course, Jean had no reason to care about that, now did he?]

[...Also, even with Jean spelling things out for him like that? This idiot right here somehow still manages to miss the meaning of what Jean's really saying there. He sighs, his tone suddenly becoming much quieter, but still immensely frustrated.]

Of course she does. And I love her. We're family. [Eren you dumbass that's not what he meant.] We're... We were a family. Now, I don't...

[Wait, why was he telling Jean this? Because with both of his best friends acting so weird and the Captain missing there suddenly wasn't anyone else to tell? Except this is Jean. He'd probably be better off yelling at his reflection in the mirror ~~again~~ than spilling his guts to Jean like this.]

[Suddenly, the Sensory Livestreaming cuts off and Eren switches to just his thoughts. They were still very loud thoughts, granted, but thought alone couldn't carry the kind of force that voice could.] Fine. Whatever. If this is what she really wants, then I hope she's happy. Now why don't you go talk future bullshit with her and leave me the hell alone.

[Oh, boy. This wasn't getting anywhere. Jean rubs his temples, trying to think of what to say. Yeah, he gets it. Eren probably feels like Mikasa's drifting away from him. That's how Jean would feel if he was in the same situation. It doesn't make things easier to know that both Mikasa AND Eren are hurting. Armin as well, so the whole trio was a big mess as of now.

What would Levi even do in a situation like this? Jean unconsciously thinks that. Maybe the captain would be as terrible as Jean was handling this, but at least he'd probably be in better state of mind than any of the teens. Even Jean had his problems, after all, he just kept ignoring them.

Jean has let his Sensory Livestreaming drop when he finally replies.]

It's not what she wants. Even if she isn't telling you everything, the fact that you're family doesn't change. The fact is, it's because you are her family that she's hiding things. So stop being such a brat and realize it already! She's doing this because she cares.

[It pains him to admit that so many times, but there's nothing else he can say. It's a fact that Mikasa cares and loves Eren, after all. No matter how much it hurts, he will continue telling Eren that.]

She'd rather talk about other things with you than the future with me anyway.

[There is no response.]

[Jean sighs after waiting for long enough for a reply.]

Fine. Suit yourself.

[Private]

bite_the_hand - 2016-01-27 19:55 (UTC) - Expand

[not here]

rustyhonesty - 2016-02-01 00:37 (UTC) - Expand

Jean, at least make the damn conversation private before half of liminal space wants to kill you both. [Really, them actually being murdered for this might be more of a concern than either of them realizes, considering some of the Travelers around.]

[... okay that's embarrassing. Jean feels stupid for letting his feelings get a better of him again. Damn it, Eren.]

S-Sorry... I'll turn it into a private one. ... thanks.

[...

........

Hey, Eren? Is it nice to let go of that last straw, when you're at your limit? Because Mikasa isn't going to find out the answer to that by herself even after weeks. Sorry you had a horrible afternoon, it could be a lot worse. Unstoppable monsters like Mikasa Ackerman don't have limits for anything, right?

She swallows and takes what feels like forever to reply to this because she's trying to calm down enough while she's thinking too much.

Not like she's surprised by his reaction, actually, and she really shouldn't have said that there. She's trying to think when the word fuck from him has hurt this much. Probably never since she can't remember... And combine that with what he said earlier about freak(ing out)... Not like Eren called her a freak but mind is a "funny" place right now when some people back home call you a monster... Fuck them. As if she hasn't been always called that, but his words hurt a fuck ton.

But hey, never mind about her feelings, Eren, not like she's letting even him see most of them!! And honestly, she would love to talk to him all the time if it was up to her so that hurts a lot too.]

...Sorry... [She didn't come here to break down, so better try to act as emotionless as ever.]

We can ... talk just like always. [No, they can't, considering how some topics make her (re)act different than before.] I should have chosen my words better. [she means up there about that titan heights]

Edited (super minor thing okay okay, sorry and bye) 2016-01-12 00:49 (UTC)

[Sorry Mikasa, he hears you but he's too distracted to answer, what with Jean and him suddenly yelling at each other. Then they both go quiet - having either dropped the conversation or, more likely, finally made it private. Except... Eren still doesn't say anything to her. Not for an awfully long time. Long enough she probably thought he wasn't going to answer at all. Truth is, after something in him broke yet again during that argument, he had come to the conclusion that it would just be better for everyone else - especially his two (...former!?) best friends - if he just stayed in his room until the next Jaunt starts so no one would have to deal with him or be nervous around him or clumsily tiptoe around all the subjects he didn't even know he needed to avoid.]

[...That lasted for just slightly more than two hours before he simply couldn't take it anymore.]

[When he does finally respond to her, it's not likely to be anything close to what she expected at all.] Hey, Mikasa? [The words come into her head in Eren's actual voice... At the same time as what he's seeing. This is the first time he's ever done a visual component to his mental missives, and he doesn't seem to have gotten the hang of directly showing his face the way Armin has. Instead, he's looking into his Workshop room's bathroom mirror. And he looks and sounds like absolute hell. His voice was rough, eyes bloodshot, all the obvious signs that he's been crying were there. He was leaning forward and down, hands on the counter top to support himself. The usual spark was gone from his eyes, making it seem like there was a shadow over him. He looked... small. Desperate. Weak. Everything he'd always fought so hard not to be. Normally he would have hated to let her seem him like this. He did hate for her to see him like this. But humbling himself like this was his last desperate gambit, his silent plea for her to realize how much he was hurting. Because... he was just honestly tired of hiding this, and if she was disgusted by him now then it would just make it easier for him to leave her alone going forward, right?]

I'm... I'm sorry I yelled at you before. I can't take this anymore, Mikasa. You said we could talk like always, but we can't! [He does not raise his voice. Instead the exclamation just sounds even more desperate, his voice cracking and causing him to take a deep, ragged breath before he continues.] Not when I say something or do something that upsets you and I don't know why or even what caused it half the time. Please, I won't ask about the future anymore, just tell me what I need to change so I don't hurt you anymore! Please! I... I think I've already nearly lost Armin, I can't stand to lose you too!

[Suddenly the visual aspect of the stream blurs before going black. Had he cut the visual part off? ...No, simply closed his eyes. He could only figure out how to stream exactly what he was seeing. Right down to the distortion from the tears forming in his eyes anew. He's not done yet though, he can't bring himself to open his eyes again but there's one more thing he needs to say.]

...If it's too late, if you already hate me, I'll understand. [No. He won't. But he'll try his damnedest to.]

[All that waiting is still scary even after talking with Armin. She'd wait for millions of years if she had to, so it's not like Eren needs to rush with anything and she's just going to let him take his time. Maybe he won't talk to her today or tomorrow or for weeks, it'd be her fault for making him feel like that and she absolutely hates it. She's supposed to protect him from anything and anyone, who even thinks of hurting him so why are they in this situation? ...Because some assholes back home combined their forces with Trumps maybe to make him be from her past after they just got through that hell and into another hell to get through, maybe.

When Eren finally says something to her, Mikasa's eyes go wide open. Hello voice she's always waiting and wanting to hear the most. It's --- not the first time for her to see him looking like absolute hell but it doesn't hurt any less. Especially knowing his reasons for it this time. She just wants to run to him right now but she waits for now to hear what he wants to say. Just him saying he is sorry is making her raise from her bed a bit. Sorry is good, right?

The next sentence makes her heart crush into the tiniest pieces and she's completely ignoring how tears start rolling on her face again. She doesn't mind crying for him, though not having reasons to cry other than tears of joy for him would be amazing. But this is fine too, at least she can show that she still cares. Because yes, she's letting him see her too. She looks a little less like absolute hell but still a lot like it and he's not the only one who has been crying.

... And everything he says is just making her cry even more, especially the second please as if first one isn't bad enough and stuff about changes. Then she's shaking when Eren says he thinks he's lost Armin and he doesn't want to lose her too. No, Eren, no...

Mikasa literally jumps on her feet when she thinks the connection suddenly cuts and keeps staring at her door.]

...Eren?

[She's saying it, not sending it to him, sounding both worried and scared. Is he okay? Still there? Who does she need to kill if something happened to him again? Legit question when the guy gets kidnapped so much back home. Was that all? Maybe it's just a sign for her to talk now, or go to him now or that if she doesn't, who knows what happens to them!!

The last line reaches her and Mikasa almost feels like she's choking. Mikasa? Hate Eren? ....Eren, honey, no. No, no no no no no, NO!

Fuck network, she rushes to the door and slams it open. Hey, that's the polite option -- she could have kicked it in or tried to literally go through it!! But the door just needs to get the hell out of her way and she doesn't want to break it. Either way, the door doesn't matter at all as soon as it's open. More door slamming until she gets to where he is.

Mikasa doesn't even stop for a moment there, she just rushes to him as fast she can and doesn't even hesitate with going in for a hug at all. Hopefully she's not squeezing too much, it's an extremely tight hug.]

I'm ... sorry... so, so sorry. ... ... I -- never.

[Okay, it's difficult to find words. Give her a moment but no really, she's really really sorry, at least that should be obvious.]

Edited (/adds some emotional lines to the end because she forgot to say she's sorry!!!) 2016-01-17 16:27 (UTC)

[And she just holds him there for what may seem like a long moment but when she leans her head back to look at him in the eyes, that moment really doesn't feel so long anymore. She almost wants to go back to just hugging him but... No. Words need to happen first. And hell, she'll do anything for Eren so it's not going to be just a few words either at this point of their life. At least her crying calmed down, thanks to him.]

I could never hate you. That's impossible. Never happening, absolutely not. . . . I thought you might hate me after all this.

[He means everything to her as if she'd ever even dislike him, much less hate. Except maybe she'll hate him one day when she's infiltrating and then she'd just kick the hell out of herself later for feeling that way towards him. But that's not the real Mikasa like this one right here and she doesn't want to think about that option. So instead she brings her a hand on his cheek and touches it gently for a moment, then it returns to the hugging position.]

Don't worry about upsetting me, I rather take that and hurt than this situation again. I know you don't want that but -- It's not like you mean to do it. Not your fault at all and if it happens, it happens. Besides it's not you upsetting or hurting me.

[Meaning it's the topic and not him because Eren would never do that. So basically shit just keeps happening at home and it's not Eren's fault. What a surprise!! No, it's not since that's how it always is but if she even tried to tell him some topics to avoid, she might as well tell him everything or get into a huge fight with him again if she refused that too.]

Just -- Just be you, really, just the way you are. I don't want you to change anything just because some assholes fucked with time to mess this situation up. Please.

[Because as fucked up as situations here and back home can be, she's always happy to see him! That happy there is a huge understatement.]

We -- me and Armin, need you so all three of us can get through anything together. We're never going anywhere from you no matter what, you know that right?

[WELL NO, apparently he doesn't because he thinks he's lost Armin and thought Mikasa might hate him. Does that help to make it clear that he's wrong about both?]

[When he doesn't hear a response right away he lets the connection close with a choked, ragged sigh. He hadn't expected silence. Was she just trying to figure out what to say? Or was she really so angry with him that she wouldn't say anything? Or-]

[Before he can get himself even more worked up on that train of thought, the door to his room slams open with a crashing bang and he jumps. Instinctive reaction has him back in the main room in two steps. Then he sees her and before he can even process what he's doing or feeling he's rushing to meet her. No hesitation on throwing himself into that hug and wrapping his arms around her, and if it's a little too tight that's okay because he's clinging to her just as desperately. He'd never so desperately wanted, needed to feel her arms around him as he does right now and he's so relieved that his knees nearly give out on him - Mikasa might have to help hold him up for a moment there. Or maybe they just end up kneeling on the floor together. Either way he's just going to bury his face against her neck for as long as she'll let him, shaking with silent, wracking sobs as tears continue to spill from his eyes. Her scarf quickly becomes quite damp, but at least he's finally letting out everything he'd been keeping bottled up over the long-feeling weeks. By the time those few moments pass and she leans back - quietly signally him to do the same - he's much calmer and the tears are flowing more slowly.]

...I could never hate you, Mikasa. I love you. You're my family. I thought... I thought I did something in the future to make you hate me, and that's why you didn't want to talk about it...

[Normally, he would react awkwardly and shrug off the hand at his cheek. This time though he can't bare to push her away in any way, so he closes his eyes and tilts his head into her hand instead. He readily leans into the hug when she pulls him close again too. The next thing she says makes him shake his head though. So they were supposed to keep hurting each other? Nope. Not accepting that.]

There has to be another way, Mikasa. There has to be. I can't accept hurting you like that! Because it would be me hurting you, because I brought something up I shouldn't have. ...At least tell me when it happens, so I don't do it again?

[As for that last bit? ...He doesn't actually respond. Not verbally, anyway. Eren simply takes a deep breath and lets it out as weary sigh, tightening his grip on her a tiny bit in the process.]

[They just end up kneeling on the floor because even if Mikasa could make them stay on their feet, she's not even trying to do anything about it at that moment. The desperation for wanting and needing to feel his arms around her is mutual too. And then there's all that crying from him, that just adds to all the relieved feelings. Well, it could also make her feel like a horrible emotionless monster and absolute shit for making Eren feel like this -- but it's a good thing she has people to tell her that she's not either. Besides she's crying all over him too, that's not emotionless at all!

... WHAT?! ~~POSSIBLE INTERNAL SCREAMING, THAT SHE'S NOT SENDING TO THE NETWORK~~

. . . Did Eren just say . . . ??!!!????

Maybe she's hearing things that she just imagines to be there?? Maybe she's just dreaming except lately all of her dreams have been nightmares and this is far from one and feels too real to be a dream.

... But Eren just said ... those three words ... the three words and Mikasa looks too surprised to do or say anything for a moment, then she starts looking embarassed. Oh but is she supposed to look that way in the middle of an open conversation where hiding feelings apparently isn't a thing?? Sorry, she can't help it. She should say something in return too maybe??

It's not like she didn't believe Armin ( she always believes him! ), but hearing all that from Eren? It's the most amazing feeling ever and certainly something she never expects to hear... Stay still a-girl-in-love's heart, stop racing like that or he might hear it! Come to think of it, he's from so early that he hasn't heard all those "thank you"s from her in the middle of that one fight against titans... Or seen her while she says them. Well then. She's crying a lot more right now but the happy smile is pretty much the same as back then.]

You're my family too, I need you and -- [come on, be a brave girl! He said it first, it's fine, though her pale cheeks are getting even more red color to them as she's hesitating for a moment. She can't be too shy for this, not now!] I love you too, Eren, you mean the world to me. ...Nothing's ever going to change any of that, especially not you.

[Well, nothing's going to change it in a negative way at least as her feelings just keep getting stronger! And maybe one day Eren will realize that she didn't mean that as platonic love . . . Still blushing a lot and wondering how did she even dare to say all that. Sure, it's some stuff she wanted to say with the thank yous too back then but she's always been too shy until now. This most amazing boy is the most precious ever. Must protect from every danger and anything trying to come on Mikasa's way of protecting him can go straight to the deepest Hell. She couldn't hate him, she's far too deep in her devotion and love for him. She really means it when she says that nothing could ever change her feelings for him and Eren definitely hasn't done any of that what he thinks. Their home world is just really fucked up.

Mikasa leans on Eren too and swallows hard at his next words. Another way? She can't think of any -- except telling him and she hates keeping secrets from him but she's really not even sure when or how to tell. No one's told her how to suddenly just tell stuff like that to the most important person of her life!]

...Okay, I promise to tell you when it happens and I promise to tell you everything one day, but not today. Still never your fault, it's not like you could know before I say something. But no more of this hurting each other, I can't take it anymore either. So just -- tell me if I do that too.

[Eren is getting a less tiny tightening of Mikasa's grip on that hug in return along with something that almost sounds like she's trying to hold back on crying again. She pets his back. Everything will be fine, trust her!!]

[At some point once they're both calmer and better centered they really should talk about her feelings about being a "monster." Just so he can look her right in the eye and tell her to get those thoughts out of her head. An emotionless monster wouldn't have rushed to him like this! And wouldn't care as much as she obviously does.]

[He's a little nervous at first, seeing her blush like that and not saying anything. Should he... have not said that? But then she smiles like that and he can't help smiling back to her, feeling like everything would be okay - at least between the two of them - for the first time in what seemed like forever. If he notices how fast her heart is racing he sure isn't going to say anything because his is trying to keep pace with her's as she responds. He doesn't even know why he feels like that but in this moment he doesn't particularly care. The day he realizes she doesn't just mean platonicaly will likely be the day he realizes his own feelings for her aren't particularly platonic either.]

It's okay. It doesn't have to be today. Or tomorrow or the day after that. Just nor more of this pulling away because of it, alright? Tell me when you can't say something and I'll... I'll do my best to understand. I can't promise I won't still get frustrated about it but I promise I'm not upset with you. And I'll tell you if something gets to be too much. If we can do that much... We'll get through this. I know we will!

[He gladly leans into back into her as they hug more tightly again, one hand moving up to gently twine his fingers in her hair as she pets his back and he finally, slowly, relaxes.]

[Welp. She might have a few other thoughts too, that Eren -- and really only Eren -- could get away from her mind with something like that. But she can't speak about them, so that's going to wait for some other time too.]

It's not like I want to go anywhere... [from Eren. Never ever. So no, no more pulling away for anything thing.] And it's okay, you can get frustrated -- it's nothing I can't handle and better just let it all out. We'll get through anything.

[Mikasa leans on Eren and cuddles a little closer in the tight hug, closing her eyes as she feels the hand on her hair. It makes her want to touch his soft and fluffy hair too, but she's keeping her hands on petting and rubbing his back for now. It's amazing to notice how he finally relaxes and she doesn't even notice doing the same. So many things she never thought she'd ever hear... And things she never thought she'd dare to say, why does it always take them to get to extremely bad situations before stuff like this can happen? Maybe one day it will be different.]

Eren, can I stay? You shouldn't be alone...

[Sure, make it sound like it's just him, who shouldn't sleep alone after all this.]

I know. [It's not like the two of them - or the three of them for that matter - wanted to be falling apart like this. They were all hurting, all trying to figure out what to do with the differences in time between them now. Knowing that didn't make the fact it was happening hurt any less. But thankfully that seemed to be over now, at least between Mikasa and himself. It was enough that when she said they'd get through anything, he was able to genuinely believe her.]

[For the first time in too long Eren really felt like everything would be okay. Enough so that he even manages to let a teasing note come back into his voice.] ...But if you start saying crazy stuff again like that 500M Class comment, I'm still asking.

[Mikasa might not realize how much she's relaxing, but Eren can most certainly tell. It's a huge relief, knowing she really was feeling better about all of this too. Although with that relief came finally feeling just how exhausted he really is, mentally and physically. But he didn't want to say anything, didn't want her to leave... But then she asks to stay and very nicely solves that problem for him. Eren leans back just enough for them to be able to look at each other again, and nods.] Please stay.

[It's amazing to hear that tone again. Especially after a while of thinking, that he wouldn't even talk to her anymore -- not before she'd tell him everything anyway.]

And I won't even be surprised when you ask.

[... Even though there is a lot of crazy stuff going on back home, but a 500M titan? Yeah, she hasn't seen anything near that height.

She almost wants to stop him from leaning back, thinking he is going somewhere away from the hug. But he's just -- Eren, so close. Mikasa is staring at his eyes and hearing him say the word please like that feels like it makes her heart skip a beat or two.

Almost too close for a girl in love to resist... but no, no she's just going to keep on the resisting thing. She just got him back from things that hurt. She sure doesn't want to make things awkward by doing anything new and weird. Seriously not the time to try it if there's ever going to be a time for it.

So instead Mikasa nods and gives a tiny kiss on Eren's cheek ( thank you, Armin, for doing that to her earlier because clearly that helped making this decision! ) ...Better watch out, Eren, she's getting braver at showing affection to you. She leans her forehead against his.]

I'll stay as long as you let me stay here.

[Resisting is probably a good idea. Everything was different enough and weird enough as is, and Eren just plain doesn't have the mental energy to deal with another curveball right now. Not even for good things, especially not for things that he'd try seriously overthinking. That exhaustion shows, too. He looks better than when he'd first reached out to her, at least, but it was clear the mental and physical stresses of the day had caught up to him.]

[Little signs of affection he didn't have to think about too hard though, like that kiss on the cheek? Those are lovely. And don't need overthinking at all. Of course she's going to show more affection like that right now. He's showing more affection right now himself. After she kisses his cheek Eren rests his head back on her shoulder.]

Mmmm. Good. [He already sounds half-asleep as he says that. Sure enough, a moment later his grip on her loosens and he begins softly snoring. ...Except sleeping there like that will get really uncomfortable for them both pretty fast. Thankfully his bed is right there, covers already pulled back invitingly because he hadn't bothered remaking it after the last time he'd tried (and failed) to sleep...]

backdated to the day after the shift from clonetemple mountain to basketballroom

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

[Private]

[Private]

[Private]

[Private]

[Private]

[Private]

[Private]

[Private]

[not here]

[Private]

[Private]

no subject

[Private]

1/2

2/2

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)