Open broadcast | backdated to the first day of second liminal

[rustyhonesty]

This is my first time actually trying to make a message through the whole network... hopefully this will work.

[Jean sounds rather exhausted as he talks. While he had been away from the dungeon for some time, he still hasn't really recovered completely. Not with all the damn emotions and thoughts he had to process. Now he had finally sorted out the most important things so he was ready to talk with others to apologize or just explain.]

To anyone who interacted with Jan Wirths at the previous Jaunt. If there's something you need to talk to me about with that, I'm at workshop for most of the time. I know there were some things that he did that were rather fucked up.

[That's actually an understatement, at least in Jean's mind.]

... and well, if someone wants to tell me a bit more about Persona's, I would appreciate it. Now that I've rested I might understand any explanations a bit better.

And then things that happened in the dungeon... I'm ready to talk about them now.

[He's really been avoiding everyone for some time now. Especially one called Eren Jaeger, who he heard perfectly well over the network the other day. He almost adds "Jaeger stay out or I'll feel worse" but

1) Mikasa wouldn't like that
2) Eren would yell at him
3) Headache guaranteed

So he just leaves this as this.]


(ooc: Jean is back from his dungeon and can be found mostly from the workshop!)

Comments

[rustyhonesty]

[Jean is a little afraid of hearing Mikasa's answer. Scratch that, not even a little; he's very afraid. There's a definite increase in his heartbeats when Mikasa starts talking. Was he ready to hear whatever she had to say? Even if he wasn't, he would hear it.

A small wave of relief goes through Jean's mind when he's asked a question instead. Don't get him wrong, he wants to know the answer. Living with the amount of uncertainty he's already feeling is crushing. Yet, at the same time he wishes they had never started this conversation, because if the answer is negative like he fears, he's not sure how to take it.

What if all their time together had no difference in her at all? What if the feelings of getting closer to her were only in Jean's mind? The thoughts were suddenly pouring in, making him feel even more nervous. He wanted to know, yet he didn't.

Though first, he should answer her question.]

I admit to first taking interest in you because of what you looked like. I though that you were the most beautiful girl I have ever met and I wanted to get to know you better.

[It was better to get that off his chest first. Though as it might sound, it's not all he's going to say.]

Eventually, after watching you from a distance, I started admiring you for entirely different reasons. I think you're talented in many ways, you always keep yourself calm no matter what the situation. Yet... you have a fragile side. You're strong, but even you have moments when you can't remain everyone's shield and need someone there to help you.

You're faced with many problems, yet you always come back even stronger than before. You care about your friends and protect them with all your might. Not just Eren and Armin, everyone.

[Welp. Jean feels a bit embarrassed for saying so much, but... he doesn't stop here.]

Some might think you're cold-hearted, but you have more feelings than anyone can see and... those feelings are what draw me to you. I want to know. I want to know more about you.

[He takes a deep breath.]

I want to keep falling in love with you.

1/2 .... wow, sorry for the (love) novels :'D

[callyourname]

[Now it's her time to be afraid of his answer because -- she's not even sure why. Shy girl's problems and really, she doesn't understand why he feels that way for her when she's been trying to keep people away...

Jean starts talking and Mikasa's face turns a little red from the most beautiful compliment. He might hear a really quiet muttering of a "Thank you" to that, who knows.

What she knows is that she's not expecting more, especially not a lot more. Maybe the first sentence, or two, but he goes on from there too. And while she's listening, she's also thinking a lot about how much she's let him in. Not on purpose because she'd rather not but he clearly knows her well. Maybe too well if anyone asks Mikasa's own opinion, she'd like to keep things to herself but well--]

I don't have those moments!

[They both know she has them, the brat just has to argue about it right in the middle of his words anyway! Or she's trying to deny that he's seen that side too.

She keeps listening, her face might be getting even more red color as he goes on. She could argue about coming back stronger, really, but instead she stays quiet and thinks about that herself. True? Maybe or maybe not in her opinion. Sounds like he knows her well, maybe a little too well in her opinion. Not that it's much of a surprise after spending years in her company, though she's not exactly sure if she could even try to tell that much about him.

Honestly as much as Mikasa has been thinking about this, she was going to give him some hope of maybe they could try if this works? If they could lead to something? And as embarrassing as it is to sit there and hear him say all that ( she pretends like she's just imagining that her face feel pretty red right now ) ... it's also weird and nice? Understatement.

...So, well, this whole situation could go in a completely different way if Eren wasn't here now. She could be saying how much she actually loved hearing all that?? She could say a lot of things that wouldn't just make this turn into a mess of love problems.]

2/2

[callyourname]

[ But sorry, Jean, because Eren is here now and that changes the whole situation along with her answer. That last sentence from him makes her freeze completely. No, noping out of this!! Time for --]

... ..... Stop it. [pause, taking a deep breath and going from the brat to the ice queen as fast as she can.] Stop that -- falling. It's not too late, is it?

[Can't be even if it sounds like it definitely is too late for him. Though he definitely hasn't just imagined getting closer to her or that all that time hasn't had a difference in Mikasa at all. She really even considered that other option for this conversation... But obviously her priorities are still the same as ever, so with Eren in this place now, she's not even thinking about any other options anymore.

Also, how did he get so many words out?? She barely got that said and she should say more but she's not even sure what to say.]

We're friends -- closer friends than we're at home by now maybe... but that's all there's ever going to be. [unless he tries to come between her and Eren, and everyone knows how "well" Mikasa takes those situations.]

I want you to forget everything else. I'm unattainable.

[HEY, YOUR FLOOR LOOKS REALLY INTERESTING! Or maybe she's staring at her fists or clothes or something, anything else than looking at his face.]

1/2

[rustyhonesty]

[Jean admits that Mikasa's small protest about the fragile side makes him smile a bit. Of course she wouldn't easily admit it. Unfortunately, that part is the only thing Jean is able to smile about with genuine happiness.

It takes a moment for Jean to even remember how to breathe after the first words. Almost like everything stopped. Is this how it feels like when even your heart stops?

Stop falling in love with Mikasa because it wasn't too late? No, it's been too late for as long as he can recall. To stop now would be impossible. His feelings were too deep for him to actually pretend like they didn't exist. Jean loved Mikasa, there was no other way to it. He had always been in love with her. And he would always be. Even if she wouldn't return his feelings.

Even if he's only a close friends. Even if that was all they were going to be in her books. His feelings just wouldn't stop like that. There was nothing he could do about it.

Forget everything else? That's like asking Jean to forget who he was. Jean brought one hand to his face to calm himself down from actually crying. Don't do it. It would only make you hate yourself even more if you cried here.]

It's Eren, isn't it.

[It's more of a whisper, almost like a thought. It's uncontrollable and Jean realizes too late that he's already let it be said. Well, it was only natural for him to blame Eren.

Though what if ... he never actually had a chance. Even if Eren wasn't here.]

2/2

[rustyhonesty]

[Jean shook his head mentally and forced a smile on his face. No. This wasn't how things were ending. He swore didn't he? No matter what happened, he'd stay as her friend.

Even when his heart breaks, he would be there for her. That's the wow he had made.

Now it was actually confirmed that he would just be a friend and nothing else. That's all. He just needed that confirmation. Of course things would be like this. Of course...]

We're friends. That won't change. I'm always there to support you. [Even if his voice was shaky and felt like it could crack, the tone he had was genuine.]

Sorry, I must have made things awkward... though mind if you leave me alone for now?

[callyourname]

[She takes a deep breath.] It's always Eren.

[She sounds calm as ever saying that. Eren is her LIFE!
And after everything recently-ish back home, she sure as fuck isn't going to let anyone or anything come between them.

Though hurting a (close) friend with all these words hurts but as if she's going to let it show. Much. Maybe he knows her well enough to realize it, maybe it will take him a while or maybe he doesn't know it but it's not like this is easy. Putting her priorities in order is easy. Rejecting him? Far from easy. Especially because she's had time to think about this before she even came to this room and they really have come closer here too. He is someone she can call a close friend back home too but well, even more here.

Ow, that smile kind of hurts but well, anything would probably hurt... Sorry you confessed to a girl, who is horrible at this and completely devoted to someone else and not even brave enough to ever tell Eren about her feelings for him. More words? Oh good, she's not losing friendship because of this. She wouldn't want that.]

Good. I'd never want that to change.

[So please be her friend forever!! Weird, or not, she almost feels like hugging him or something. GOOD THING that the situation is way too awkward for that, though she could also do it anyway because fuck awkwardness but ... His next words made the girl shake her head.]

Don't worry about it, it's fine. I'm still really glad, that you're here...

[Does she mind leaving him alone now? She nods!! Wait no, is that a yes I mind and I'm not leaving anywhere? She shakes her head almost in the middle of a nod... aaaaaaaaand then this is too weird, as much as she'd like to do something else ( hug? pet head? ) she juuuuuust rushes out of the door and closes it right behind her.

Also it wouldn't be polite to stay right behind the door after all that and maybe she'd just rush back in if she stayed there -- fffff, complicated feelings are weird!!! So she just goes away from the door too, consideres going to her own for a moment but... No, she's just going to collect herself, dry some tears away from her eyes as soon as she notices them and go back to Eren. Who knows what kind of trouble he's getting into while Mikasa is not with him?!]

[rustyhonesty]

[As Mikasa leaves, Jean sighs and lays down on his bed, covering his eyes. They're full of tears he doesn't want to show even the empty room.

Why did he say all those things when he knew it would just hurt in the end? Of course it would hurt. Eren was here again. Even if he weren't... it still would have hurt. There's no way Mikasa's feelings would change for Jean.

That's the truth he needed to live with.]