synopsychic | Open broadcast | backdated to the first day of second liminal

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Open broadcast | backdated to the first day of second liminal

This is my first time actually trying to make a message through the whole network... hopefully this will work.

[Jean sounds rather exhausted as he talks. While he had been away from the dungeon for some time, he still hasn't really recovered completely. Not with all the damn emotions and thoughts he had to process. Now he had finally sorted out the most important things so he was ready to talk with others to apologize or just explain.]

To anyone who interacted with Jan Wirths at the previous Jaunt. If there's something you need to talk to me about with that, I'm at workshop for most of the time. I know there were some things that he did that were rather fucked up.

[That's actually an understatement, at least in Jean's mind.]

... and well, if someone wants to tell me a bit more about Persona's, I would appreciate it. Now that I've rested I might understand any explanations a bit better.

And then things that happened in the dungeon... I'm ready to talk about them now.

[He's really been avoiding everyone for some time now. Especially one called Eren Jaeger, who he heard perfectly well over the network the other day. He almost adds "Jaeger stay out or I'll feel worse" but

1) Mikasa wouldn't like that
2) Eren would yell at him
3) Headache guaranteed

So he just leaves this as this.]

(ooc: Jean is back from his dungeon and can be found mostly from the workshop!)

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I wouldn't have allowed you to go inside alone either.

[Not when you couldn't know what was waiting for them on the other side. Even if it was Mikasa, he would have been too worried. So he was totally on the side of ~~the midget~~ Levi here.

... the shadow talked with Mikasa and Armin on its own? Why? The only reason Jean can think of is when the shadow was desperate to convince him that Mikasa was dead. Did it... try..?]

What did the shadow say or do? It couldn't have come and meet you for fun and happy chatting.

[Sorry, the fact that you see him did register to his mind, but this was more important than that. Did that bastard hurt Mikasa somehow? ... did a part of him... want to hurt her...?]

[Well, she would have allowed herself to go there alone ... that would have been a terrible and reckless idea, of course, but anyway.

... ....... ]

He tried to make Eren's titan form kill us after a "fun" little chat --

[and her face is suddenly turning from its usual very pale to a little red if he looks at her cheeks. Eyes on the floor!]

[Eren's titan...? Wow, that jerk. Then again, it made sense, knowing how well Mikasa did against normal titans and all. Still. A dirty move-

Huh? Why did Mikasa's cheeks turn red? Why is she looking away and at the floor again?]

What... did he say?

[Jean has a bad feeling about this.]

Edited 2015-11-11 19:59 (UTC)

[Swallow. Could they just go back to square one and avoid this completely? No?]

... a lot about feelings ...

[Hey, your bad feeling about this might be right, Jean!]

[The bad feelings turn into a heavy stone which rolls on top of Jean's heart - or so it feels. He almost feels like holding the front of his shirt because it feels real... but instead he just clenches both of his hands into fists.]

He told you about my feelings towards you.

[It's a statement, not a question. Damn it. Those are the feelings he hadn't wanted Mikasa to learn about. Not... that way.]

[She can see those fists, mister. Not that it really matters, he can do what he wants but it makes her wonder about a lot of stuff like is she even supposed to know about those feelings... Or if there's another reason for that, or both and neither at the same time.]

I --

[What is she supposed to say or do in this situation? Surprise, it's only going to get weirder sooner or later.]

Never realized them before, I'm sorry.

[Should she know even now?? Feelings are weird and complicated stuff, does she really have to deal with them right now? ~~YES~~]

[As Jean had expected, Mikasa hadn't even been aware of his feelings. Which, in the long run had been a good thing. Things could have gotten awkward from time to time, had she known and Jean wanted to be her friend - at the very least. Friends weren't supposed to be awkward. Yet, here they were...]

There were more important things in the air than my feelings, don't apologize! I-... I mean... [Jean's face turned red as he spoke.] Of course feelings are important too, but we didn't live in an ideal world, and... you know what happened to Hannah and Franz.

[He wasn't there to see it, but he heard about it later. Their tragic ending. And they had been so happy before the whole battle had started. It had made him sick and jealous how happy they had been.]

Not that... this place is any better, b-but... you know... since my feelings are in your knowledge now... what... [He swallows.] What... do you think now?

[Of course he'd have to ask. They had been spending an awful lot of time together here. Even if Eren was now here, shouldn't there be at least one tiny chance? Because of all the common things they shared on their timelines - at home and here.]

[She's really not sure what to say to that first part.]

There's always a lot happening there...

[No time for feelings. Except he's from peaceful times, she still wishes she was from that much later too... Even though it's not a lot later from her point of being kidnapped here.

She should have guessed that that would be his next question. What he might guess next is that her answer might have been different until someone showed up!! Maybe her face gets a little more red on it...

Deep breath and she's back to being cool and calm. Now?]

Now Eren is here and I'm going to focus on what I always do, completely ignoring everything else.

[So, same as always? BUT THAT DOESN'T EVEN ANSWER LIKE HALF OF THAT QUESTION OR SO!! ...SORRY, ask again?]

[Yeah, that doesn't really answer the question like he wanted it to and it pretty much stating the obvious. Of course Mikasa would focus on Eren. That just wasn't the point.]

No... I meant. What do you think about them. M-My feelings. How do they make you feel?! [He tries to get an eye contact with Mikasa.] Because I really... really do like you.

[Well, the actual word is love, but that still feels a bit embarrassing to say and he wouldn't want to scare her away.]

Edited 2015-11-11 23:24 (UTC)

[Getting eye contact with her is easy, please excuse if her face is a little less pale than usually. Must be the lights here, sure isn't this situation being awkward as hell to her! Either way, she's sort of looking for eye contact too while he speaks.

...Right. She's had -- time to think about this talk, his feelings and what they mean to her to try to get prepared to this situation.

But now when he asks that, Mikasa kind of freezes for a moment. It's not a totally unexpected question, not at all, but it doesn't make it any easier for her to reply to. Since when has she ever talked about her feelings? With Jean? Tonight, apparently.]

I --

[This should be easy... For anyone else, not for a girl, who always keeps her head cool and doesn't really let anyone in.]

... Why me?

[Sorry, more questions and less answers for now but it's something she's been asking herself.]

[Jean is a little afraid of hearing Mikasa's answer. Scratch that, not even a little; he's very afraid. There's a definite increase in his heartbeats when Mikasa starts talking. Was he ready to hear whatever she had to say? Even if he wasn't, he would hear it.

A small wave of relief goes through Jean's mind when he's asked a question instead. Don't get him wrong, he wants to know the answer. Living with the amount of uncertainty he's already feeling is crushing. Yet, at the same time he wishes they had never started this conversation, because if the answer is negative like he fears, he's not sure how to take it.

What if all their time together had no difference in her at all? What if the feelings of getting closer to her were only in Jean's mind? The thoughts were suddenly pouring in, making him feel even more nervous. He wanted to know, yet he didn't.

Though first, he should answer her question.]

I admit to first taking interest in you because of what you looked like. I though that you were the most beautiful girl I have ever met and I wanted to get to know you better.

[It was better to get that off his chest first. Though as it might sound, it's not all he's going to say.]

Eventually, after watching you from a distance, I started admiring you for entirely different reasons. I think you're talented in many ways, you always keep yourself calm no matter what the situation. Yet... you have a fragile side. You're strong, but even you have moments when you can't remain everyone's shield and need someone there to help you.

You're faced with many problems, yet you always come back even stronger than before. You care about your friends and protect them with all your might. Not just Eren and Armin, everyone.

[Welp. Jean feels a bit embarrassed for saying so much, but... he doesn't stop here.]

Some might think you're cold-hearted, but you have more feelings than anyone can see and... those feelings are what draw me to you. I want to know. I want to know more about you.

[He takes a deep breath.]

I want to keep falling in love with you.

[Now it's her time to be afraid of his answer because -- she's not even sure why. Shy girl's problems and really, she doesn't understand why he feels that way for her when she's been trying to keep people away...

Jean starts talking and Mikasa's face turns a little red from the most beautiful compliment. He might hear a really quiet muttering of a "Thank you" to that, who knows.

What she knows is that she's not expecting more, especially not a lot more. Maybe the first sentence, or two, but he goes on from there too. And while she's listening, she's also thinking a lot about how much she's let him in. Not on purpose because she'd rather not but he clearly knows her well. Maybe too well if anyone asks Mikasa's own opinion, she'd like to keep things to herself but well--]

I don't have those moments!

[They both know she has them, the brat just has to argue about it right in the middle of his words anyway! Or she's trying to deny that he's seen that side too.

She keeps listening, her face might be getting even more red color as he goes on. She could argue about coming back stronger, really, but instead she stays quiet and thinks about that herself. True? Maybe or maybe not in her opinion. Sounds like he knows her well, maybe a little too well in her opinion. Not that it's much of a surprise after spending years in her company, though she's not exactly sure if she could even try to tell that much about him.

Honestly as much as Mikasa has been thinking about this, she was going to give him some hope of maybe they could try if this works? If they could lead to something? And as embarrassing as it is to sit there and hear him say all that ( she pretends like she's just imagining that her face feel pretty red right now ) ... it's also weird and nice? Understatement.

...So, well, this whole situation could go in a completely different way if Eren wasn't here now. She could be saying how much she actually loved hearing all that?? She could say a lot of things that wouldn't just make this turn into a mess of love problems.]

[ But sorry, Jean, because Eren is here now and that changes the whole situation along with her answer. That last sentence from him makes her freeze completely. No, noping out of this!! Time for --]

... ..... Stop it. [pause, taking a deep breath and going from the brat to the ice queen as fast as she can.] Stop that -- falling. It's not too late, is it?

[Can't be even if it sounds like it definitely is too late for him. Though he definitely hasn't just imagined getting closer to her or that all that time hasn't had a difference in Mikasa at all. She really even considered that other option for this conversation... But obviously her priorities are still the same as ever, so with Eren in this place now, she's not even thinking about any other options anymore.

Also, how did he get so many words out?? She barely got that said and she should say more but she's not even sure what to say.]

We're friends -- closer friends than we're at home by now maybe... but that's all there's ever going to be. [unless he tries to come between her and Eren, and everyone knows how "well" Mikasa takes those situations.]

I want you to forget everything else. I'm unattainable.

[HEY, YOUR FLOOR LOOKS REALLY INTERESTING! Or maybe she's staring at her fists or clothes or something, anything else than looking at his face.]

[Jean admits that Mikasa's small protest about the fragile side makes him smile a bit. Of course she wouldn't easily admit it. Unfortunately, that part is the only thing Jean is able to smile about with genuine happiness.

It takes a moment for Jean to even remember how to breathe after the first words. Almost like everything stopped. Is this how it feels like when even your heart stops?

Stop falling in love with Mikasa because it wasn't too late? No, it's been too late for as long as he can recall. To stop now would be impossible. His feelings were too deep for him to actually pretend like they didn't exist. Jean loved Mikasa, there was no other way to it. He had always been in love with her. And he would always be. Even if she wouldn't return his feelings.

Even if he's only a close friends. Even if that was all they were going to be in her books. His feelings just wouldn't stop like that. There was nothing he could do about it.

Forget everything else? That's like asking Jean to forget who he was. Jean brought one hand to his face to calm himself down from actually crying. Don't do it. It would only make you hate yourself even more if you cried here.]

It's Eren, isn't it.

[It's more of a whisper, almost like a thought. It's uncontrollable and Jean realizes too late that he's already let it be said. Well, it was only natural for him to blame Eren.

Though what if ... he never actually had a chance. Even if Eren wasn't here.]

Edited 2016-01-11 22:15 (UTC)

[Jean shook his head mentally and forced a smile on his face. No. This wasn't how things were ending. He swore didn't he? No matter what happened, he'd stay as her friend.

Even when his heart breaks, he would be there for her. That's the wow he had made.

Now it was actually confirmed that he would just be a friend and nothing else. That's all. He just needed that confirmation. Of course things would be like this. Of course...]

We're friends. That won't change. I'm always there to support you. [Even if his voice was shaky and felt like it could crack, the tone he had was genuine.]

Sorry, I must have made things awkward... though mind if you leave me alone for now?

[She takes a deep breath.] It's always Eren.

[She sounds calm as ever saying that. Eren is her LIFE!
And after everything recently-ish back home, she sure as fuck isn't going to let anyone or anything come between them.

Though hurting a (close) friend with all these words hurts but as if she's going to let it show. Much. Maybe he knows her well enough to realize it, maybe it will take him a while or maybe he doesn't know it but it's not like this is easy. Putting her priorities in order is easy. Rejecting him? Far from easy. Especially because she's had time to think about this before she even came to this room and they really have come closer here too. He is someone she can call a close friend back home too but well, even more here.

Ow, that smile kind of hurts but well, anything would probably hurt... Sorry you confessed to a girl, who is horrible at this and completely devoted to someone else and not even brave enough to ever tell Eren about her feelings for him. More words? Oh good, she's not losing friendship because of this. She wouldn't want that.]

Good. I'd never want that to change.

[~~So please be her friend forever!!~~ Weird, or not, she almost feels like hugging him or something. GOOD THING that the situation is way too awkward for that, though she could also do it anyway because fuck awkwardness but ... His next words made the girl shake her head.]

Don't worry about it, it's fine. I'm still really glad, that you're here...

[Does she mind leaving him alone now? She nods!! Wait no, is that a yes I mind and I'm not leaving anywhere? She shakes her head almost in the middle of a nod... aaaaaaaaand then this is too weird, as much as she'd like to do something else ( hug? pet head? ) she juuuuuust rushes out of the door and closes it right behind her.

Also it wouldn't be polite to stay right behind the door after all that and maybe she'd just rush back in if she stayed there -- fffff, complicated feelings are weird!!! So she just goes away from the door too, consideres going to her own for a moment but... No, she's just going to collect herself, dry some tears away from her eyes as soon as she notices them and go back to Eren. Who knows what kind of trouble he's getting into while Mikasa is not with him?!]

[As Mikasa leaves, Jean sighs and lays down on his bed, covering his eyes. They're full of tears he doesn't want to show even the empty room.

Why did he say all those things when he knew it would just hurt in the end? Of course it would hurt. Eren was here again. Even if he weren't... it still would have hurt. There's no way Mikasa's feelings would change for Jean.

That's the truth he needed to live with.]

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Open broadcast | backdated to the first day of second liminal

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1/2 .... wow, sorry for the (love) novels :'D

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