[Jaunt] the bug is angry

[virioncomplex]

What the fuck? What the fuck!

-=unlike when he was infiltrating as a human, his voice still sounds harsh and whispery (though loud enough over the network) and he is clearly in a tizzy about something=-

How do you mammals move around like this? I can't- it's all just out there?? I can't take a step without this impractical sack of meat and skin bouncing around between my legs.

What the hell am I doing wrong? Are you supposed to tuck it away somewhere so walking doesn't feel like you're punching yourself in the dick over and over again? What is wrong with nature, this is such a horrible design.

Comments

[set_your_watches_for_fun]

Did you need some help with that, darling?

[virioncomplex]

What could have possibly given you that idea?

[set_your_watches_for_fun]

Where are you?

... I suppose I should also ask who this is, terribly sorry.

[virioncomplex]

A market area I think.

...Faed. Usually an insect. Hard to miss.

[set_your_watches_for_fun]

Oh, the fellow with the armor, isn't it? Well, if you're near the market in Strabiae, I should be able to find you easily enough. I'm Colonel Tick-Tock, darling, and I should be easy enough to recognize - facial hair isn't much the style for the Romans at this time. I'm heading that direction now, do try not to injure yourself.

[virioncomplex]

-=considering he's been viciously itching the scruff on his face, he can completely understand why=-

I'm just going to sit here and try not to crush anything on my body I assume is supposed to be important.

[set_your_watches_for_fun]

Well, the most crushable thing isn't all that useful unless you plan on impregnating someone while you're here, but it would be rather painful, so I expect that's for the best. [cheerfully]

[And some time later, a man in a white yoga with blue and red trim and a handsome mustache will appear, looking around expectantly, scanning faces for someone who looks distinctly uncomfortable.]

[slipperyslope]

Christ al---alright, I don't know who you are or why you decided to beam your schlong related grievances directly into my brain, but---What's your issue here anyway? Did you just notice it hanging out there?

[virioncomplex]

I am an insect. -=he hisses=- Our shit doesn't just hang out there!

[slipperyslope]

You're an insect! Of course I'm talking to an insect why am I even---Look: You don't hear me making fun of your... insect parts, so how about we live and let live, alright?

And just for the record, we manage just fine... For the most part.

[virioncomplex]

If I'm gong to be trapped in one of your useless, squishy bodies I'm going to bitch as much as I damn well please!

[slipperyslope]

Oh, so you're trapped in a squishy human body, and now everyone has to su---wait, run that by me again. You're an insect trapped in a human body: did I get that right?

[mysunnydisposition]

Whoa, okay, first of all? Maybe a little inappropriate to just start... yelling about that. Telepathically or out loud.

[ God, please don't start yelling about your dick where the locals can hear. That... might go over better here than other places, but still probably a bad idea. ]

...I can't really offer any suggestions for your actual problem. I don't... have those parts. Sorry.

[virioncomplex]

That's exactly what I just said. Why am I doomed to attract all the stupid ones.

[virioncomplex]

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot I was supposed to give a shit about someone else's delicate feelings over the subject of human biology.

[mysunnydisposition]

There are kids around here! I mean, maybe not this instant, but I'm pretty sure they don't need their intro to sex-ed from an angry alien or whatever.

[virioncomplex]

Oh, I get it. You're from one of those races. Should have guessed.

[set_your_watches_for_fun]

I would like to point out, darling, that half of human children have the kind of equipment he's so upset about and are probably quite aware of that fact. The more alarming situation would be if they weren't.

[mysunnydisposition]

[ She pauses before responding. ]

Okay, fine. You still don't need to broadcast the state of your junk into everyone's heads. ...though at this point I'm starting to wonder if I should just be glad there weren't images attached.

[mysunnydisposition]

One of... You know what, I'm not even going to ask.

[virioncomplex]

You know the type. Head's stuck so far up their own asses they end up terrified of their own genitalia, not to mention everyone else's.

[bite_the_hand]

What the hell's your problem!?

[virioncomplex]

What does it sound like? -=he hisses=- Are you incapable of following a simple rant about the anatomical fuckery of the human body?

[bite_the_hand]

It sounds like something so stupid I thought I had to be hearing you wrong! Why the fuck are you complaining about something like this like you've never had to deal with before!? Are you normally some kind of weird alien or something!?

[virioncomplex]

YES! That's exactly what I'm saying! I'm a fucking insect and your stupid fireblooded anatomy is like a living hell!

[bite_the_hand]

...Oh. [Awkward pause.] So... what, you normally don't have anything there, but since there aren't any bug-things here you got turned into a human?

I guess that's not too weird, since sometimes they turn humans into other things.

[virioncomplex]

Of course I have something there! It's just different and not hanging down and getting in the damn way of everything! How are you expected to function like this?

[bite_the_hand]

Hey I don't know how alien bug reproduction works! ...And I don't want to know, so don't try to explain it!

[Because he's streaming his voice the sound of something half sigh, half annoyed growl comes through loud and clear.]

Okay, I guess that would feel really weird. Titans don't have reproductive organs, but I'd never really thought about it much when I turned into one. Being used to the other way around does seem like it'd be weirder.

[mysunnydisposition]

Yeah, I don't want to listen to a stranger yelling about his dick and I'm the one with a problem. Sure.

[virioncomplex]

Don't you fucking call me that!

-=he knows the guy isn't going to know what not to say, but he's already angry so he doesn't have a whole lot of lenience right now=-

And weird doesn't even come close. I'd cut the whole mess off if I didn't think it would screw me over later.

-=it would probably just grow back anyway=-

[virioncomplex]

You are the one who chose to come and bitch at me like some sanctimonious troglodyte. You could have just ignored me if you didn't like it. But instead, you decided to waste both our time with the most unhelpful commentary in the history of the universe.

So yes, you are the one with the problem.

[bite_the_hand]

Then what the fuck should I call you!?

[Give him a word and he'll use it. But really, at least he chose to be bluntly descriptive instead of spouting out something even more insulting.]

[Also Faed will get to hear Eren make a rather pained sounding near-whimper at just the mention of cutting it off. Which he very clearly did not mean to make, let alone broadcast.] Yeah, you'd really regret doing that.

[virioncomplex]

My name is Faed and I'm an insect. Calling someone a bug is like asking to get your face broken.

[bite_the_hand]

Alright, insect then! How the hell was I supposed to know that!?

[virioncomplex]

I just told you!

[bite_the_hand]

I meant before you told me, dumbass!

[virioncomplex]

Well now you know!!

[bite_the_hand]

[There's a loud, exasperated growl before the telepathic equivalent of slamming the phone down on the receiver.]